Perfectly normal?I don’t think anyone’s ever said that about me. “Yeah. But, you know, I can’t do it anymore with Isaac.”
“Oh, no?”
“No. It’s all one thing with him. I like himsomuch.”
“Have you felt like this for anyone else before?”
“No,” I say. “Never.”
“Do you like this feeling?”
“I’m addicted to it.”
“I’m gonna need you to stop saying that,” Gray says. “I’ll let you know if I think you have an addiction to something. You’re throwing that word around a lot, and I don’t think it fits.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“That’s infatuation. It’s normal.”
“If it’s normal, why haven’t I felt it before?”
“You’ve never fallen in love before.”
“Is that what’s happening?” I ask, and I hear the hopeful sound of my question. Like a plea.
“It sounds like it.”
“Isn’t it supposed to take longer?”
“Building a relationship takes longer. Falling in love sometimes just happens.”
“Is it always like this? Like—unintentional?”
“Hm…” He seems to take a second to think about it. “I don’t know.” He scrawls several things on his pad of paper. “I’ll have to think more on that one.”
I sigh. “Not helpful.”
“Well, Deacon, we’re all learning here.”
Also unhelpful. I check my watch again. We still have plenty of time, but I’m not sure I’ll make it.
“Not to bring up a sore subject, but have you attempted to keep a journal?”
“I’ve been writing notes in my phone.” I say.
“Do you findthathelpful? We talked about how sometimes it’s easier for people with autism to express themselves in writing rather than speaking.”
“Why do you think that is?” I ask, because I’ve noticed it, too. My notes app is full of random, perfectly coherent thoughts I’d never imagine being able to articulate.
“Well, you don’t have to look at someone while you’re doing it, for one thing. It’s just you and the paper or the app or whatever. You don’t have to worry about how it will sound or how the other person might react. It’s just for you. To process.”
“But what do I do with that? If I’m writing about Isaac to process something he said, do I just read it out loud or hand it over?”
“Sure, you could do that.Oryou might find theprocesshelps you arrive at a conclusion. It’s a strategy. Have you written anything about Evan?”
“Sure. Not as much, though.”
“I suggest you change that since he’s the one you’re conflicted about.”
