“It’s my own fault. He was willing, I think, to actually give it a shot, but I’m a fucking mess. He deserves someone more available.”
She paused to stabilize her breathing. The Milo of it all was the one thing she still hadn’t unraveled. He’d texted her a few times when she’d first gotten home, but it only made things harder. They could both sense it.
“I know I said nothing was off limits, but maybe we could circle back on Milo after we settle some of our shit?”
“Fair enough,” he conceded. “Where do you want to start there?“
She laughed, just enough that it gave him permission to join her.
What a fucking mess they’d made.
“I guess we could start with Sloane. I know we’ve covered what you think happened, but I feel like we’ve only ever scratched the surface.”
“Ah. I don’t know,” Logan sighed. “I think if I’m being really honest with myself, that I had been unhappy with us for a while and was just too much of a pussy to admit it. And then I met Sloane, and she was just so different, and not just from you, Hanna. From me, too.”
Hanna was surprised by that.
“You were unhappy?”
Logan shrugged. “Maybe that’s the wrong word. I was… content. But… neither of us was misting up at the airport when I left for New York, you know? I’d seen you cry harder saying goodbye to Sara after the holidays.”
Hanna’s chest cracked with the memory. She’d dropped him off and hadn’t even gone inside.
And he hadn’t asked her to.
Her own tear-stained face staring back at her in an SFO bathroom flashed to her mind, the thought of leaving Milo shredding her from the inside out.
Maybe they were unhappy. If she stepped back and looked at it objectively, they were comfortable at best.
“I guess things weren’t, like, amazing. I actually wasn’t that shocked when you found someone else, you know that? I was mostly just shocked that you told me.”
“I’m a dick in a lot of ways, but not that one,” Logan muttered.
“I know! I know. But you just don’t expect a call from your boyfriend to ask if it’s cool if he’s in love with someone else.”
Logan barked a laugh, “That’s not how that happened.”
“It’s not far off!”
The tension between them simmered under the laughter, but it wasn’t overwhelming. Hanna didn’t feel the need to hang up or run away or ignore it. She could sit with it. She had a passing thought that Olivia would be proud of her.
“But I think that’s why it hurt so much. I couldn’t even be mad at you. You did everything right, so it felt like I wasn’t allowed to be crushed the way I was.”
Logan chewed on his lip. “I hated hurting you. I still hate hurting you. You know it kills me that I fucked so much up for you, right?”
She believed him then, but a month before, she wouldn't have been able to. Another thing she couldn't have done was apologize back.
“I know. I hurt you too, and I know that I wasn’t fair to you.”
“I really miss your friendship, Hanna. More than any of the other stuff. I mean that.”
Despite her best efforts at exhausting every tear she’d ever produced in the month she’d been home, more still prickled at the back of her eyes.
“Maybe that’s why it was so hard to talk to you about Mom. You were my best friend, and then you were gone, and she went right along with you.” She took a breath, grasping for the thoughts before they dissolved into the hot tears stinging her cheeks. “It was like I lost everyone all at once, and I needed you to be dead to me too.”
Logan reached over and placed a hand on her knee.
“I’m so sorry, Hanna. I never got to tell you that. Lisa deserved so much more, but so did you.”
