I released my grip on my neck and let my hands fall between my knees, fingers lacing together.
“Looking back, I can see that it was toxic. But at the time, I was just so grateful to have a girlfriend at all that it never occurred to me to want something better for myself.”
Holly shifted on the floor, criss-crossing her legs, her expression open and attentive. “How long were you together?”
“Three years in college, and a year after.”
She blew out a long, slow breath. “That’s a long time.”
I picked at a loose thread on my sofa, needing somewhere to direct my nervous energy.
“Long enough that I convinced myself that relationships were supposed to be hard, that I was supposed to feel like I was constantly failing at being a good partner.” I looked at her. “I was young and stupid and desperate to be wanted.”
Holly’s expression softened. “You weren’t stupid. You were human, looking for connection.”
“Maybe. But I definitely could have made better choices.”
“But isn’t that what being young is for? Making terrible choices and learning from them?" She smiled wryly. “I, for example, got engaged to a man who left me on our wedding day for someone who was in elementary school when he graduated from high school.”
I found myself smiling despite the heaviness of the conversation. “Fair point.”
“So what finally happened with your ex? Not to be too nosy, but how did you finally walk away?”
“I didn’t; she did.” I paused, feeling the old shame creep up. “She had a lot of complaints about me, some of them justified. But the one that stuck was that …”
My mouth went dry. This was it—the moment where I told the woman I desperately wanted to sleep with that I was, according to my only sexual partner, a huge fucking disappointment. Every logical part of my brain screamed at me to stop speaking, to deflect, or change the subject.
But I’d driven across town in an ice storm for her. I’d imagined her staying in my house permanently. If this was going anywhere—and God, I desperately wanted it to—she deserved to know what she was getting into.
I forced myself to meet her eyes.
“She, um … she said I was bad in bed.”
The confession hung between us.
Holly’s eyebrows shot up. “She actually said that? After four years?”
“Among other things. But yeah, that was the big one.”
I held her gaze, refusing to look away even though every instinct screamed at me to. “I know we haven’t even gone on our first date yet,” I continued. “But in the spirit of full disclosure, you should probably know that.”
My hands moved as I spoke, and I slipped into that mode I got into sometimes when I was nervous—the one where I treated everything like a presentation, like if I just laid out all the data points clearly enough, the conclusion would be obvious and acceptable.
“But if being physical with me is something you’re considering, I want you to know that I’ve taken the criticism seriously. I’ve done my research.A lotof research. I’ve read books about female anatomy and pleasure. Articles about communication during sex. I’ve watched female-centric porn to understand what women actually enjoy versus what mainstream porn presents. I’ve learned about the clitoral network and the importance of foreplay and the fact that most women need more than just penetration to orgasm.”
I was talking too fast now, my words tumbling out in that way they did when I completely lost my filter.
“I’ve studied different techniques and positions. I’ve learned about the importance of checking in with your partner, of paying attention to their responses. I know that enthusiasm and attentiveness matter more than experience, and I’mveryenthusiastic, Holly. Very attentive. I've essentially turned this into a project, and you know how I am with projects. I don’t do anything halfway.”
I took a breath and barreled on.
“So what I’m saying is, I know I fucked it up before, but I’ve promised myself that the next time I’m with someone,she’s going to say it was the best damn sex of her life. Because I’m going to make sure it is. I’m going to focus entirely on her pleasure. I’m going to learn what she likes and give her exactly that. I’m going to?—”
I only paused when Holly made a sound—small and breathy and unmistakably aroused.
Her cheeks were flushed, but not from the fire. This was a different kind of flush. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly, and her lips were parted, and her eyes were?—
Oh.
