I endup eating half the pie and drink two cups of coffee before she raises an eyebrow at me, and I realize I’m simply putting off the inevitable. “So, what do you want to know?”
“At the moment, everything, as my knowledge of you consists of the size of your clothes and how you like your eggs. But maybe we should start with your other wife and we’ll work from there.”
“You are my only wife, Lauren.”
“I don’t understand. Who’s grave is out back?”
“I apologize, it’s my fault for not clearing this up sooner, but I have just gotten so used to people coming up with their own conclusions that I rarely correct them. The grave belongs to my sister, Eliza. From the time she was born until the good Lord took her home, she was a handful. I was eight years older than her, and the moment my mother told me she was expecting, I took the responsibility of big brother very seriously.
The minute her tiny fingers wrapped around mine, Eliza could do no wrong in my eyes. She was willful, stubborn, mischievous, caring, and I loved her more than anything else in this world. I can remember carrying her around everywhere, telling everyone she was my baby. Mom had to force me out of her bedroom when she was little because I didn’t want her to wake up scared and alone.
I was so focused and one-track-minded, I didn’t notice life was continuing all around us. Father and my uncle started up a textile factory where we lived in Boston. Uncle Levi came up with some sort of clasp that helped revolutionize the process of making trousers. By the time I was eighteen, the business was thriving and my station in life, including my future was being mapped out for me.
My cousins and I were highly sought after, the most eligible bachelors in all of Boston. Especially the three oldest of us. Not only did our own family feel we could benefit from marrying up, but so did all the other matchmaking mothers in Boston. At that point, I was an arrogant, cocky, overbearing, spoiled ass.
Then overnight, my entire world was turned on its head as smallpox hit, and there was no rhyme or reason to whom it set its sights. Father was the first in our family to fall ill. The moment he was diagnosed, my mother made me take Eliza out of the area. We were staying in a hotel in Weston, a small city two days ride from home, when I got the news … father had passed on Monday and mother not a full day later. Not only was I grieving my dual loss, but I had a twelve-year-old sister who simply could not comprehend what had just happened. Her tears were harder to deal with than my own pain, as I felt utterly helpless.
Not knowing what to do next, I packed us up and went to stay with Reggie and his family. They lived north of us in Somerville. He’s the one I am closest to among all my cousins. We practically grew up together since we were only a few months apart in age. Fanny, his mother, did her best to help with Eliza, but for months she was inconsolable. Finally, we were forced to head back home. Father’s estate had to be settled, and there were only so many things the solicitors could do from a distance. I was now heir to an empire I was not prepared to handle alone. To the world, I was a man. Inside, I was a boy missing his father’s advice and my mother’s warm hugs.
Walking into that house, knowing they were gone, was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Years afterward, I swear I could still smell father’s pipe and my mother’s perfume in the air. Thankfully, Eliza settled once we returned, and I was grateful, as the business seemed to take up every moment of my time. I was thrown in to sink or swim and if it hadn’t been for my uncle and Reggie’s father Wyatt, I probably would have lost everything. Instead, because of their steady confidence and support, I was able to grow our stocks and add new supply chains. I worked hard to build a future not only for myself but also for Eliza. I was determined to do right by my parents and give Eliza the best of everything. That’s why the rest of what happened was so hard for me.
Fredrick had worked for us since I was a kid. He wiped my snotty nose and scolded me more than my own parents had. He had a son just a few years older than Eliza, and they had played together their whole lives. What I didn’t see was it growing into more than casual friends. And don’t take this wrong, if she had come to me, serious about her feelings for him, I would have listened. I may not have liked it, but her happiness was all thatmattered. I would have found a way to ensure he had a position that would allow him to continue her lifestyle.
She was beautiful and wildly romantic at heart, and because of her light-heartedness, I tended not to take her seriously. Eliza was the only one I ever took time for. She would run into my office, skirts flying, all excited about a new boutique or some gossip that she thought I needed to hear right away. When the world was bearing down on me, she was the only one who could make me smile. However, I missed several key turning points in her life because I was too wrapped up in my own.
My first failure was to ignore that she was no longer a child and just my little sister. She had grown up to be so headstrong that when she got an idea in her head or her heart set on something, there was no stopping her. Several times she approached me about her future and I would find an excuse or change the subject.
I didn’t want to think about her leaving me since she was all I had. So, I honestly never pressured her into courting and I usually discouraged it. I mean, I knew she was old enough and wanted a life of her own, but I was selfish and didn’t want to let go. After I got here, it took me a while to understand that I was the one who pushed her right into his arms. If I had encouraged her to see others, she may have made different choices, but that’s just a lie I have often told myself, because if Eliza loved you, there was no one who could ever take your place.
While she was growing up, I was building a name for myself not only in the textile and mercantile trades but also as a boxer. Since I had no control over my size, my uncle was the one who persuaded me to join the local gentlemen’s club, as my anger was getting out of hand. Beating others and having thetar beaten out of me regularly was the outlet I needed when the world became too big for me to handle.
If you’ve noticed that throughout this entire story I’ve mentioned myself far too much, it’s because I was utterly self-absorbed. Refusing to let anyone get close because I didn’t want to lose another person I cared about.
Fredrick came to me multiple times, concerned that Toby and Eliza were getting too fond of each other, but I dismissed it.I told him,‘She needs a friend close to her age, and there’s no harm in it.’
Then I came home late one evening, mad at the world as usual and had one too many drinks. When I walked into the kitchen to grab some water before heading up to bed, I found them kissing. Don’t remember everything I said, but none of it was favorable. Threatened to throw him out if I ever caught him near her again and went to bed. Like they were simply going to stop because I said so.
I woke up at midday, knowing immediately that something was wrong. It was as if the house was holding its breath. I went to Eliza’s room because I knew we needed to talk about last night, but when I knocked, she didn’t answer. I opened it only to find her bed unmade, clothes thrown everywhere, and a note on her nightstand. Later, when I had more time to think about it, I saw all the things I had done wrong, but all I could think about then was finding her and bringing her back home.”
I must have gone quiet because Lauren’s voice seemed to pull me back to the present.
“What did the note say?”
“She was tired of living with ghosts and wanted a fresh start. Somewhere, she could just be Eliza, and Toby wasn’t only a footman’s son. She asked me to let her go, then said that she loved me. I read that note so many times that the words faded and the paper fell apart.
I threw money in every direction, followed every lead and clue, but I underestimated Eliza’s determination. Never once did I think she would head west. That’s why it took me two years to find her. When I got confirmation that they had been located, I jumped on the first westbound train to Utah and Promontory, where the transcontinental railroad connected. I bought Rebel at a local livery when I arrived in town and rode south … only to show up too late.
When I finally found her, Eliza was nothing but skin and bones; a shell of the vibrant girl I loved so much. I still don’t know if she gave up after Toby’s death or if it was some sort of sickness that was eating her alive, but when I rode up, she was sitting with her back against that old oak tree, looking out over the field.
Her breaths were shallow, but she had enough strength to raise her hand up and caress my face. ‘You came? I always knew you would. I love you so much, Grant. Forgive me for leaving you the way I did.I always thought I would have time to make it up to you.’ Those were her first words and I remember picking her up in a panic, only for her to say my name.‘Grant, please put me down. I want to die right here next to my Toby. Promise me … you won’t take me back.’I promised, kissed her forehead, and then she left me. I did as she asked, buried her right there even though I didn’t find any traces of Toby, but I figured he had to be close.”
“Why didn’t you leave afterwards?”
Wiping a stray tear off my cheek, I try my best to push that day away. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to speak those memories back to life.
“I was asked that same question twice here lately. At first, I told myself I would stay a few days, get things settled around here, then maybe sell the place. But each day that the sun rose, I found … I couldn’t leave her. My mind kept saying if I left, she would be forgotten, and I couldn’t live with that. Instead, the days turned into months and now years. All this time, I’ve lived with her ghost. To see proof of that, all you have to do is look around. I tried to make the place my own, expanded this main living area, built the front porch on, but I couldn’t bear to open her door until you.”
“Grant, I’m so sorry for your loss, but she was lucky to have had you. You might feel like you failed her, but I’m sure she never felt that way at all. You made her strong and fierce, and she struck out with the man she loved, determined to make a life of her own choosing. And yes, she was taken from this world too soon, but the brightest lights tend to burn out the quickest. I’m not presuming to say that I knew her, but she got to experience something few of us do, true love and commitment. Eliza probably laughed and smiled more in those few years than most will in a lifetime. Don’t take that from her spirit. This might always be Eliza’s home but it wasn’t just that, it was a home she chose.
