“It is what must be done.”
“It is insulting! I am not here for you to pick up and then leave at will. I am not meant to wait for you to change your mind as and when it pleases you. I deserve more, and I always have, but you have never cared about that. You have only ever served yourself.”
It was not completely true, but he could not tell her that. He could not refute her words, either, for she was right. The damage had been caused by himself, and even though she had played her own part in it, it was fundamentally his own fault, and it was unfair of him to suggest otherwise.
“I am here now. Anna, I cannot take back what I did, but I can be the man you need me to be while I am here. What do you need from me?”
There was an intense, burning look in her eyes, one that even he was intimidated by, and then it gave way to a withering one. She truly thought so little of him that it seemed she did not even want to argue with him.
“You know,” she laughed emptily, “I spent months hoping that you would come home. I thought that, if I did what any good wife would do, you would see the error of your ways and return. I thought that being good was enough, but it was not. The funeral that I planned was the only thing to catch your attention, the only thing to make you remember that I exist.”
“I never forgot about you–”
“So now, I am left to wonder how to keep your attention, the one thing that I have ever wanted from you. I cannot expect it because we are married, nor can I have it through being good, so I am only left to think that the more scandal I cause, the more attention you will grant me. Perhaps, if I am so loud that you cannot ignore me, you will be forced to care.”
He could see her pain. He knew that he had been wrong to leave her for so long and to never explain his absence. He knew he was wrong even then, for he was continuing to keep the truth from her.
Even so, her words disturbed him. They were not merely the words of a desperate young lady; they were a threat. If she was unhappy, she would make it known to all, and he could not risk that. They had to be careful. They had to ensure that they were respected if they were to keep their position.
“Now that does not seem very mature,” he replied, not knowing what else to say.
It only angered her more.
“Do you want to know what is immature?” she asked. “Hiding things from your wife, not giving her any reason for it, and leaving her when she needed you the most. You are more than happy to say when my actions are unbecoming, but consider your own.”
“I have. What more do you want from me?”
“I want you to listen! I did my part. I married you, not knowing a thing about you, and in doing so, I hoped that you would give me a better life than the one that I was living. Instead, I was abandoned. I want you to hear that, and I want you to realize what you did. I cannot ask for more from you, for I know you would never give it to me.”
He watched as her chest rose and fell as she tried in vain to steady herself. His guilt was immeasurable, and he hated what he had done, but he did not regret it. He could not, given where he had been.
“I am listening,” he said. “I understand that I was wrong, and you have every right to be angry with me, but how will destroying our family name fix that? How will attracting even more censure and ruining us help our situation? You can feel whatever emotions you please, but we cannot act in a manner that risks our livelihoods.”
She was quiet, too quiet, and he did not know what to say to her. He could not lie to her, and so he could not promise not to leave her again, but he assumed that was precisely the problem. She wanted him to promise that he would stay, but he could not do that, and so she knew that he planned to leave once more.
“Perhaps this will be a better discussion another time,” he suggested. “Now that we know how one another feels, we can think on it, and talk again when we are calm.”
“I will never be calm about this. You will never understand just what you have done.”
But the worst part was that he already did.
CHAPTER 13
Anna paced her room that night, furious at what had happened.
She had planned to make herself heard, yet once again it felt as though he was refusing to. Once again, their discussion had ended with him having the last word, and with him being condescending while doing so. She knew that it was unwise to draw more attention to themselves, but what else could she do?
His lack of warmth had led her to say things that she did not mean, but that did not change how she felt; she would not pretend, shecouldnot, simply because he wanted her to. She groaned, and her lady’s maid entered, a look of concern on her face.
“Are you alright, Your Grace? I have heard you pacing for a long time now.”
“I do not know what else to do,” Anna huffed, sitting by her mirror. “Might you brush my hair? I fear it is knotted with how many times I have pulled on it.”
Her maid set about the task immediately, and Anna tried in vain to relax.
“I do not know what to do about His Grace,” she confessed. “I know that he is planning to leave again, we all know, but I do not want him to, and I do not know how to stop him.”
“I do not believe that anyone would. He has always done as he pleased, from what I have been told.”
