To Hallie, these were not the thoughts or promises of an unfaithful wife. Jo loved Kit. It was here in her own words. No woman alive would doubt that love. What could have happened between them? Now, Hallie was driven to find out why Jo had changed, so she read on.
She read about the remainder of their voyage, of how pleased Jo was because Kit was so happy. Jo had done a good job of staying out of trouble, and apparently her marriage was the better for it.
They returned home, and from Jo’s story, Hallie got some insight to Kit’s family. Then Jo was ill and she begged to go on the next voyage, but everyone was against it. It was just as Maddie had told her, except she saw everything through Jo’s eyes. Every moment Kit was gone, Jo longed for him.
Then Hallie found it.
April 11, 1847
I just returned from Boston, and oh God, this is hard. I don’t know what to do. Kit is gone and I’m alone... and heaven help me, I’m going to die.
I laughed at first, thinking the doctor was jesting. But he wasn’t. Then I cried all over Dr. Hicks. The poor man, he tried so hard to make it easier for me. He held me while I cried. He thought I cried for myself, and I guess in a way I did. But mostly I cried for Kit—my love, my life.
What would he be when I was gone? His love of me was his weakness. How many times had he said so? He would hurt so badly. I wonder if it is possible that he would really choose not to go on living without me. He said as much...
The entry ended, and Hallie, with her heart bleeding for Jo, turned to the next page.
April 12, 1847
I lay awake last night, thinking. What do I do about Kit? Oh, I love him so much and I want him with me, but that’s selfish. I really wonder if there is a Heaven. Last night I thought about dying together, Kit and I. Would we go on together through eternity? No answers came.
Am I being foolish and romantic again? All my life I’ve been told so, but this time I can’t take that chance. My life is gone, but Kit’s isn’t, and I must make sure he’s safe, even from himself. So I’ll do it. I’ll give him his life by destroying his heart. If I can turn his love to hate, he’ll go on without me. His love for me is the only thing I can control, and I love him enough to kill it.
Hallie dropped the journal.Her breath rushed from her lungs and over her dry lips and she cried. She cried for Kit; she cried for Jo; she cried for herself.
What a waste! What a horrible, horrible waste. Jo was wrong. The Kit Hallie knew was not weak. To hurt Kit as Jo had, to destroy what they had, was stupid, so so stupid. Jo viewed her actions as a gift; she was giving him his life. That was ridiculous. All Jo did was kill his heart. In the name of love, Jo had stripped Kit of his ability to ever love again.
Hallie wiped away her tears and stood, clutching the journal in her hand. She moved the lamp so she could see the stairs, and she left the attic, descending the stairs and walking into Kit’s study without warning.
Startled, Kit looked up. She held out the diary.
“I think you should see this.”
He opened it and all the color drained from his face. “Where did you find this?”
“In your sea chest, in the attic. Read it.”
Kit slammed it shut. “It has nothing to do with us. I don’t care what’s in it.”
Hallie leaned across the desk, grabbed the book and found the page with Jo’s plans. “Read this, Kit. You have to read this.”
He read it, and Hallie heard his breath catch. She saw his expression change from anger to incredible pain, and she saw the tears he tried to hide with his hand.
“Jo,” he whispered.
Hallie read the longing in his voice, and her stomach turned.
His wide shoulders shook and he covered his face with both hands. “I need to be alone... please... leave me alone.”
Numb with his rejection and with the knowledge that he still loved his first wife, Hallie walked from the room. She ran through the empty kitchen and outside, heading for the only person to whom she could pour out her soul.
Kit sagged back againsthis chair and stared at the ceiling.
God, what a mess!
He looked back at the diary. Oh, Jo, he thought, you were so wrong. Her words brought forth the vivid memory of the night he’d told her he couldn’t live without her.
He had said the words because he needed to make her understand how foolish she could be. Sure he had loved her, incredibly so, but when she jeopardized their future over and over again for the sake of some adventure, he had tried to find the one thing that would make her understand his fear. He wanted her to have a taste of what he suffered when repeatedly faced with losing the woman he loved. Kit knew Jo’s adventurous nature, and he’d figured that if she thought his life rested in her hands, then maybe she would curb her recklessness.
