“I don’t like this place,” he whispers. “I want to go back to the last place.”
My eyes snag on the black bin bag in the corner. Ben’s clothes are still inside. “We can’t go back there. But when we’re older, I’m going to get us our own place, Benny. You’ll have your own room and everything. I’m going to play music, and you can do whatever you want to do.”
“Darryl said I’m useless.”
Because Darryl, the guy downstairs throwing his weight around like Rocky, is such a useful person. He wouldn’t win an ass-scratching contest, and he spends most of his time doing it. “Darryl doesn’t know shit.”
Ben’s eyes round, and I frown. “Don’t repeat that.”
A small finger pokes me in the side, and I catch it, pretending to bite it until he giggles. “One story. Pwease.”
“Fine.”
***
I blink, wiping away the memories.
My voice is hoarse. “I know. Shift over, Benny.”
My little brother is a shell, his arms painfully thin. They shake as he pushes himself upright, gripping the rail for extra support. He waves me off when I move to help. “I’m not dead yet.”
I should sit in the chair beside him. But I can’t bear the thought of that, of sitting beside him and politely holding his hand as the hours dwindle and everything that makes himBenfades away.
His movements are painfully slow as he pulls himself further across the bed, before I toe off my shoes and squeeze in beside him.
We lay facing each other.
There’s so much to say that I can’t figure out where to begin.
“You’re an idiot,” I mutter finally, and he chokes out a quiet laugh. His golden skin looks mottled, almost waxy.
“I know,” he says finally, searching my face. “I’m sorry, Jar. Sorry that I left like that. But… I also can’t regret it.”
His eyes flicker to the door. “Although I should.”
I study him. “So… Emilia. Not just a friend, then.”
He swallows, and it looks painful. I twist, looking for a drink on the table next to me, but he shakes his head in refusal. “You’ll like her, Jar.”
“I’m sure I would,” I say carefully. “But she’s not a priority for me right now.”
“Maybe not for you,” he murmurs. “But she’s a priority for me.”
He shifts, hissing.
“Where does it hurt?”
“Fucking everywhere.” He groans, burying his face against the pillow we’re sharing. “I need to say something. I’ve been… in and out. Before I’m out again.”
I don’t say anything. Every muscle in my body is tense as I watch Ben struggle.
“There are… letters. Emmy knows where. They explain better than I will.”
“Okay.” My brow furrows as he struggles. “I’ll read the letters.”
He nods. “I need you to keep an eye on her. Please.”
I glance over my shoulder as if she’s still in the room. “On your girlfriend?”
