I can feel it in the air. Maybe that’s why my instincts were calling me up here, towarn me.
I shake my head from the nonsense brewing in my fogged up brain and I kick off my shoes before I enter the bathroom and lean against the sink, palms gripping the edges of the counter. I have two anxiety pills left. I look down at them, right where I left them on the granite top, and I question taking one of them.
“Do I need it?” I ask myself as I look in the mirror. I don’t look as shaken as I feel. Not nearly as haunted either. But my body feels so on edge, like I’m falling.
I duck my head to look down at the sink as I conjure up a vision of the only reason why I feel this way right now and my heart rate starts to race again. But it’s not because of Alli’s admissions, or even because of Broden or the memory I walked away with of Deck.
It’shim.
I decide against the anxiety medication though, and instead I slip the rings off my fingers and place them on the bathroom sink next to the pills. Then I shimmy off my jacket and toss it on my bed before turning on the water for the shower. But before I start to take off the rest of my clothes, a thought pops into my head.
Trace saw me earlier. Hell, he was so close that he had heard what Alli had said to me about my hair. I don’t want to risk him sneaking in here while I’m in the shower, so I make the rounds of the cabin to make sure the front door and all of the windows are secured and locked in place. Only then do I strip down to nothing and step into the steaming spray of the shower.
There was a time where my whole heart was wide open for Trace. He was my world, back when I fell for him hard and fast. It's kind of hard not to when someone as handsome and mysterious as him makes you out to be the highlight of his life, whispering sweetnothings mixed with glittering promises. And his actions spoke just as loud as his words. I trusted him with everything I had, I just couldn’t force myself to risk giving him that last bit of thread he was tugging for. It would have given him a chance to hurt me if I had. To leave me. To unravel me.
But in the end it didn’t matter, because that’s exactly what he did. So why the hell is he crashing down on me with the force of whatever fucked up wrath he’s inclined for me to incur? Why me?
What you did to me will haunt you.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? He obviously has the belief that I betrayed him somehow from the sound of it, but he’s the one who abandoned me. After everything I gave him, after I was planning to run away with him.
I close my eyes and bring my focus back to the memory of that night.
The amber lit candles. The wilting velvet flower petals. The soft caress of the white blanket against my naked body. We gave life to that abandoned cabin. We blanketed the emptiness with hope and trust and passion. That wasournight. A special moment that will forever be engraved into the fabric of my soul. He didn’t just take my virginity. He made love to me.
We never told each other those three little words. How could we have when we never even stood a chance against my stubborn need to remain a secret. But I knew it then, those words felt way too big to ignore. I thought I wanted to say them as we made love, but I felt too vulnerable. I was worried it was only the heat of the moment that was causing me to feel so emotional for him. But as he took my virginitythat night—slow, deep thrusts to prove to me just how much I really did belong to him—I fell even harder for this ghost of a person now tainted with some kind of desire to hurt me; a pain that he’s suffering from and intends to make it my own.
I slam my hand against the titled wall. Pain and anger and confusion and hatred all tangle together. I need to know why.
After leaving the cabin that night, after soul searing moments that led me to believe he was my heaven on earth, I had hope for my future with him. Hoped that he was right and that Seren and everyone would come around. I even hoped that Deck would get his shit together after that night, finally listening to me and heeding my advice to him. Everything felt possible when I was in his arms.
And then terror struck. Terror that is blank in my mind only remembering the moments of bliss I had experienced.
And I never spoke to Trace again.
I shake my head as I try to block it all out. Why couldn’t I have torn that memory from the surface as well? It hurts too fucking much.
Why didn’t he come back for me? Why did he disappear?
I was already scared of letting him in, knowing that even then he was the only one powerful enough to break me apart from the inside and right now, he seems to be doing just that; hell bent on hunting me down for reasons unbeknownst to me.
What could be reason enough for his torment? And why torture me with his words the way he did?
What would I find if I slipped my hand under this skirt?
Are you wet for me, Olivia?
Does this turn you on?
I hate the way that I felt aroused as he held me against my will. Though, I suppose I didn’t really put up a good enough fight to try and evade him. God, I’m demented for actually wanting him to touch me. Almost to the point of being disgusted with myself. But his fingers were so close and…
I freeze when I realize my own fingers are inadvertently sliding between my thighs, reaching for the ache that pulses at my core. I quickly pull them away as soon as I feel myself brushing my clit with my finger.
No. He does not get pleasure out of me. He’s not the same Trace I knew. The one I was planning to run away with. The way who made my heart lurch out of my chest with a sense of adoration and safety and love.
Now, he’s just a shadow of that person. And I’m sure if I had the chance to really look into his eyes earlier, I’d see no history of who he was when I gave myself to him. The man I fell so fucking hard for.
I won’t let him toy with me. He’s either going to have to tell me straight up what the hell his problem is or he’s going to leave me alone.
