Before me is a room meant to be seen as broken and cold and creepy, but it's lit with the flame of over a few dozen candles placed throughout, pressing amberlighting to the darkened, decaying walls. The warmth from the flutter of flames brings comfort to my skin, not having realized just how cold I was out in the wintery night. I walk in and let my eyes glaze over the velvety flower petals scattered around, breathing bright red and pink life into the somber energy that abandonment brings, allowing for a tragic allure.
"Isn't this a fire hazard?" I speak up, still in shock as I take in the breathtaking beauty that’s displayed before me.
"Yeah, but I knew it wasn't going to be sitting for too long." I look over to Trace who seems to be only looking at me.
He pushes his wavy, dirty blonde hair off his forehead as he stares at me. I feel the burn in my cheeks, blushing as I can clearly see the gold lace of honey in his eyes, but I don't look away. I feel safe under his attention and of all the things I've felt tonight, having his eyes on me gives me the best feeling of all . . . wanted.
"You did this for me?" I ask, turning my attention back to the room, and this time I see something I hadn't before.
In the center of the room, placed just inside a ring of candles and covered in petals, is a cream-colored blanket. It looks plush and thick and something sparks inside of me knowing what it might be there for.
"Who else, Liv?" Trace's tone is nothing but sincere and unfeigned, his hand coming down to the small of my back. "I'm tired of pretending like we don't feel the way we do. It’s been almost a year and I just want to show you what you mean to me. I don't want to waitany longer to solidify the fact that you are inescapably mine."
It should be illegal to feel this much attachment to someone's words; rapture and validation. Like I have nothing to be ashamed of and I deserve the kind of happiness he seems to want to provide me. When he speaks to me, I feel myself falling deeper. It's a drug and I can't help but find myself loving the addiction.
"Trace," I murmur his name as he pulls me into him by my waist.
He holds me to his chest, his hands pressed just along the curve of my ass now and our eyes have no choice but to hold the intense connection that we’ve built over the last year. I allow myself to wrap my arms around his neck, pressing our bodies closer than we've been in days.
"I know you say we shouldn't be together," he starts but I find myself just dying at the need to interrupt.
"It’s not that I don’t think weshouldn’tbe together, Trace. But it’s complicated. And because Seren will-"
"Seren will get over it," he finishes for me. "If she really is your best friend, then she should be happy for you. But fuck, Livie. To make me wait as long as I have because you're afraid of what my little sister has to say, it's just not fucking fair."
I sigh as I watch his eyes search mine. They search for the tiniest hint that I will give in, that I will sayfuck itand risk of having just a little bit of my world fall apart all so that he can put it back together. Because I know he will. But it’s more than just having Serens’ approval. It goes deeper than that.
"You are happy with me, aren’t you?" he asks, sensing the apprehension I can't seem to shake.
I don't know why I'm so scared to just go for it, to let my heart lead me in the direction I know I desire most, but I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process. But I also don’t want him to think that he’s not worth it.
Maybe I’m nervous that once he gets drafted, he’ll be leaving. He’s the Marauders' most talented wide receiver and everyone is going to want him. What if he decides he wants to leave me behind as he travels? What if I go with him and I don’t fit in?
Maybe I'm scared at what a life with a guy like Trace would look like for a girl like me. Can I really be all that he needs? He’s got girls falling at his feet and I feel as if there is no way he’ll continue to choose me over and over again. What if I don’t know how to be what he needs, especially if he leaves for football.
But I also have plans to leave with Seren next weekend. Would she forgive me for bailing if I decided to be with Trace? Would she even allow it? Seren forbade me to be with her brother—a silly pact we made when we were kids. But I don’t know how seriously she took that. And let’s not forget the fact that my dad, the sheriff, would probably flip if he knew I was dating Trace. Not that Trace is a bad guy; he’s good for me. But he does have a bit of an anger issue. And sometimes he causes a little trouble.
But I know that I want him and I just wish I could push aside everything to give in to that. That’s what should be important and I don’t want him to think that he’s not. I just don’t know what to do.
"You know I’m happy with you, Trace. And I want to do this, I really do," I start, letting my fingers enjoy the luxury of brushing against the hair at the base of his neck. "But I just- I really can't afford to lose anyoneelse in my life right now, Trace. Not after losing my mom and now watching Deck basically throw his life away."
"So, you would choose to risk losing me over pissing off Seren for maybe a few weeks before she finally got over it?" I hate the change in his eyes, watching the way that my words feel like an act of betrayal to him. And though Trace has never made me feel like my words weren't being heard, I can't seem to find a good enough reason to make him see eye to eye with me when it comes to making this decision. Probably because my reasons are rather weak and I know he would do anything for me.
"We're still young, Trace. And you're about to be twenty-one soon. How do you know that you’re going to want to be with me in-"
He doesn't even let me finish my sentence before he's gripping my chin with his forefinger and thumb, pulling me in and hovering his lips mere centimeters in front of mine.
"Because all I can seem to fucking think about is wanting to breath your air as if it is my fucking own. Because when you walk away, it kills me to know that I might not get to see you the next day. Because having you in my arms has made me feel so fucking alive that the idea of losing you feels like a death sentence all on its own. That is how I know, Olivia."
I can't breathe, it almost feels like my heart might burst in my chest. Trace keeps his eyes firmly on mine, his hold on me doesn't budge and I can feel my entire body tingle in the wake of his words.
"When you say stuff like that to me…" I trail off, feeling nearly dizzy to the euphoria this man gives me.
"I'm not letting you go, flower. You have to know that if you decide to walk away from me, I will fucking find you. I promise you that. But I hope to god that you don't make me lose my mind thinking that I've lost you. Especially to someone else."
"You know I don't want to walk away, Trace. And I promise you with my whole fucking heart, I’m all yours. There will never be anyone else and I’ll never do anything to hurt you." The glow of the fire melts in his eyes as we continue to hold onto each other.
I can tell that he's frustrated with how stubborn I'm being on this, and I hate knowing that I'm doing it. But no matter what, my promise stands true. I don’t want anyone else. I want him to be my first and my last. We just have to make it out of this limbo I’ve put us in.
