"I'm trying to understand, Deck." I reach out to put my hands on his shoulders in return. I want him to know I'm here for him and that I'm not going to give up on him, even if he's already given up on himself.
But he just pushes me away before stepping to the side, nearly tripping over his own two feet. "Well, go try somewhere else," he stammers, and I simply stand there defeated while he leaves to go back to wasting the rest of his life away on cheap beer…
“Olivia. Are you okay?” I flinch, looking over at my side to see Jensen looking at me in concern. “You zoned out for a minute.”
My heart is racing. My brain is still a little fuzzy but everything comes back into focus. The heat of the fireno longer permeates around me and the light flicker from the lantern has now disappeared into the sky.
A memory.I just saw a fucking memory from that night.
A tear slides down my cheek. Pieces of me break apart inside while others seem to reconnect.
Declan.
That was our last moment together. Not the drive up the mountain. Not the smile on his face.
A fucking argument.
“That was my last moment with my brother,” I say, not realizing that it’s out loud.
“What?” Jensen asks but I can see in his eyes that he’s realizing what’s happening.
He tries to step closer to me and my eyes catch his own paper lantern in his hand. The only name written on it is Seren's, scribbled in red ink. I didn't even know he really even knew Seren, but I don't have time to make a connection as tears start clouding my vision and my grief splinters inside me.
I step back and Jen steps forward, worry covering his face. But I take another step back before I turn and I run.
Wind swipes against my face as mud splashes under my feet. He was losing control, I remember now. Maybe I couldn’t remember that part of his life because our last memory together was locked away behind the black hole in my mind. But it’s clear now. I remember. Declan was suffering from something. He was going through something, and he didn’t want my help. I tried. But it didn’t work.
And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
I stop running, finding my footing and leaning against the tree. I feel my lungs tighten with the need for a solid breath of air but my heart burns, my soul aches, and everything I wish I knew feels like it could break me even more than before.
I bend over with my hand pressed to my chest. The pain is too much to handle. Tears fall down my face and I squeeze my eyes shut, desperate to forget the last words we spoke. The looks we gave. It hurts too fucking much.
Why?
Why him? Why my brother?
Why couldn’t I save him?
I stand back up, letting the cold bite of the October air calm me, anchor me. I want to scream, but I can’t. I won’t.
Because the sound of screams is something that echoes in my mind. And Deck doesn’t deserve my screams. Not when it would be a product of anger. Of guilt. Of hate.
He deserves my light and my love and my calm. He wouldn’t want me to feel pain. He’d want me to remain strong. But how can I do that when this feels like getting pieces of him back just to lose him all over again?
“I’m trying to understand, Deck.”
“Well, go try somewhere else.”
I know he didn’t mean it. I know that if he knew those would be our last words to each other, he wouldn’t have said them.
And I know that whatever it was he was going through, he didn’t deserve the fate he was dealt. I know my brother was good. I know he loved me.
Something in the distance pulls my attention. Laughter from the other side of the trees. I assume it’s the commotion from those gathering for the movie. Something that I wasn’t really interested in before but now, it just seems impossible to think about.
But I have a memory. It might not be much, but I can only hope that there are more where that came from. Whether they are good or bad, I need more.
I need to piece together that night so that Ican move on. So that I can let go. So that I can find whoever did this and make them fucking pay.
