And then later, when I was holding her, I'd let myself imagine for a moment that she murmured those three words. The ones I've been trying not to let myself hope for. The ones I didn't realize I was hoping for.
I didn't know how badly I wanted it until I let myself hope for it.
Because the truth is, I've fallen in love with her.
I love her.
I love the way she blushes.
I love her fierce intelligence.
I love the way she doesn't back down from me.
I love how her body fits perfectly against mine.
I love the way she challenges me.
The way her eyes light up when she's thinking.
The way she smiles at me, and only me.
The way she says my name, with that mix of reverence and defiance.
The way she makes me feel.
Like I can breathe.
And the thought of losing her terrifies me.
I want her by my side forever.
And the realization terrifies me.
It's not rational.
But she's a weakness, and weaknesses are dangerous.
Weaknesses are exploited, and it's a good way to end up dead.
I could lose her, and then everything I've worked for, all these years, will have been for nothing.
If anything happens to Elena, it's not the organization, the family, that will go down.
It's me.
It's my life that's at risk; my heart that's on the line.
And if anything happens to her, I will kill whoever is responsible, and I won't rest until every last person who has a hand in her death is dead, too.
When Carlotta died, it wasn't an enemy I could fight. It was a disease. I felt so helpless, watching her wither away those last few months, more and more every time she visited me in prison. Until the day she didn't anymore. Until the day she couldn't get out of bed. And I had to hear about it from the mouths of others. I sat, helpless, as she moved on, and I couldn't be there for her.
I gaze at myself as I wash my hands. The mirror throws a man back at me I don’t always like. A man who built a fortress out of patience and grudges, who learned to adapt to anything because it’s the only way to survive. He looks calmer than he feels.
Inside, it’s noise.
I promised myself I would never put myself in the position to feel that again.
And now Elena has put her palm right in the middle of my chest and said she trusts me.
