She turned onto her left side, but her hip pain said otherwise, and so once more she tossed to face the window again.
The small-town woman couldn’t help but think of him. No, not her pawpaw. Whoeverhewas. Her thoughts collided with each other.
No woman her age could deny that need. With taking care of her pawpaw for over a decade, and being sickened by low self-esteem, she had begun to give up on finding him.
Him.
Yes, whoeverhewas. He had to be someone out there. Someone who didn’t fetishize her for her weight but also respected her. Somewhere there had to be a man who wouldn’t try to use her as theothergirl or a one-night stand. But now that she was older, anytime a decent man came around, she would always see that gut-wrenching thing—a ring. Being a Pisces, she felt she had so much love to give, and not once did any man reciprocate what she offered. For years she chased bad boys or starved herself for the gym rat. She even once lost her own identity falling for a foreigner who ended up stalking her at work, and dare she say it…
She shuddered.
The moment he had insisted on having sex with her, before she even knew him, it turned her off. All those men.Allof them. If notcheating or lying, they came with heavy baggage and horrible hygiene, not to mention mommy issues.
She groaned. Perhaps she too had her share of baggage. Perhaps she too had let her hygiene slip ever since she started her full-time job, and her manic-depressive episodes left her without showering sometimes for a week. And perhaps she too had her own daddy issues. And mommy issues.
But more than anything, she hadromanceissues. It was something she craved deep within her flesh. Straight down into her blood she ached for that affirming touch of a protective man. Evelyn often imagined his hands would be calloused from a hard day’s work, and he would be sweaty and tired, and she would have dinner ready for him. It was such a contrast to the man she used to want. Those men were fantasy characters with flaming onyx hair riding valiantly on black stallions to rush to their maiden’s needs.
But the real world hit hard.
And dreams were apparently for children.
But those men in her beloved fiction books taught her something, and that was to never settle for less than feeling loved and protected. It took her only three times to realize she was not to be played with but loved.
She was always used and left in one way or another.
To hell with it all. She curled up and hugged her teddy bear and cried.
“Face it, you’re becoming middle-aged, and by now no man is going to want you. You’ve been told this your whole life.” Tears slowly rolled down her face as she whimpered harder into her bear. “Men don’t want a woman past her prime. Here in the damn Midwest, no man wants you unless you’re thin with blue eyes, blonde hair, tanned, and either a fucking nurse or a teacher.”
But she tried to calm herself down before the crushing feeling in her stomach got too obnoxious. Was it anxiety? She wasn’t so sure. “I’ll be okay,” she whispered to herself. “I’m fucked up, but I’ll be okay.”
The next day, she woke early to collect a few more boxes at Pawpaw’s house. And it was once again another hot and muggy day, and everything she put on felt like it was suctioning to her skin. Her hair felt slimyall over her neck, like she had gotten out of the shower. Shecouldhave blow-dried it, but the heat on her face would have made her want to scream and escape to Antarctica. Once more, she put on a light-pink tank top, pulled up her denim shorts, shimmying her hips to get them up.
When she tried to button them, it felt like she was trying to stuff biscuit dough back into the canister. “Agh!” she wailed as she once more pulled and tried to button them. “I bought these damn things at the thrift store last month! Don’t even tell me they’re too tight now!”
She kicked her legs out and put her hand to the baggy crotch area and tried to pull it up.
Pulling the waistline and sucking in, she got them fastened.
“There!” She panted in sweat. “Damn, it’s so hot. I swear even Satan’s sweating today.”
She looked at herself in the mirror. Yep. She certainly looked like biscuit dough popping out of the canister. Her dark eyebrows were bushy, and her chin seemed rounder than ever.
“Oh, hell the fuck no to this. I look about as ‘well-insulated’ as I feel!”
She changed into a cotton wireless bra, a white cotton tank top, and some light-blue cotton lounge shorts.
Then came the jingle of “Honky Tonk Women” on her phone. She fell onto the bed and answered, “Hey, Pawpaw!”
“Hey, baby girl! Could you do me a favor before you come over?”
She snickered, “What makes you think I was gonna come over today?” She was trying to play coy because she wanted to surprise him with muffins from the local café up in her nearby town.
“There are some black-eyed Susans sprouting up alongside Highway 42. Can you pick a few for me?”
She rubbed her face and let out a sigh of frustration. “Pawpaw, taking that highway takes me out of my way to you.”
“Okaayyy…fine. I see you don’t love your old man no more.”
