I don't know why I thought I could do this. Be candid about my feelings like they mean nothing. That's what it felt like when Blake pulled apart and started clearing up the mess we'd made, not glancing once in my direction.
I'm trying my best to keep the facade with Carly and her husband but it hurts so much I just want to go home.
I knew exactly what I had signed up for when I let him kiss me. I just didn't understand the depth of my feelings before yesterday. I thought it was an innocent horny crush, fueled by his handsome self combined with formal outfits that a man his size shouldn't wear so well. But spending time with him, seeing him being so bad at using scissors that I almost cried with how much I laughed, getting to actually know him, the way he spoke to me when he made me come so many times in just one day, all of that combined made me realize this is far from a crush. I love this man.
And while I did keep it light from the start, trying to feign fewer feelings that I had already felt, I had at least expected some acknowledgment that I in fact was more than a warm body.
"Blake, can you take care of the cookies? We're going for a walk, Toaster needs to go for his toilet time."
I turn to look at the dog sitting so cozy underneath his blanket clearly happy to stay inside.
"We always like to walk after dinner! And Toaster loves the snow."
Her husband looks at her like she's said the most outrageous thing ever.
And the way she returns the look makes me realize that Blake and Carly are not so different after all. Same cut-throat look.
She's clearly trying to leave us alone.
"Thank you so much for dinner, Carly. It was lovely. I'm going to grab the opportunity and leave with you too. I should call a taxi and get home."
She looks at me all too knowingly but goes for the kill, anyway.
"Oh, do you mind staying just until we return? I don't know if I can trust Blake with the cookies."
"Sure."
An extra half an hour with Blake? That's fine.
When they leave, I start immediately washing the dishes.
"Poppy. Can you talk to me?" Blake pleads, close but keeping its distance.
"Sure, what do you want to talk about?"
"Everyone says I'm grumpy but when you're mad you're terrifying, Poppy."
He leans on the kitchen counter so he's in my peripheral vision, the cookie dough at his side forgotten.
"I couldn't understand why you were this mad. But I tend to be a control freak so I'm good at going over every single thing I've done until I find the answer. And I think I did. I think you're mad because I haven’t touched you since Carly knocked on that gym door. Mad that I immediately created a distance."
I turn off the tap and turn towards him.
"Touch me? You didn't so much as glance my way, Blake."
"I'm sorry. But there's a reason, a stupid one but there is. I just couldn't bear it Poppy. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I didn't want Carly to be there. I wanted to spend the rest of my life right there if it meant staying with you. I know how impossible our relationship is, how wrong, I've been the one to say that multiple times before. But I don't want to not have a relationship with you. Not when just one day with you was this perfect. So I did what I could: I didn't look at you, I didn't allow myself to think too much about us. You've been clear from the start that it was more a physical attraction than anything else and I'm afraid I want much more than that. I'm sorry for showing it that way. It was inconsiderate of me. I should've been an adult and talked to you properly. I'm finding that it's hard to keep my head straight when it comes to you. Not that that's any excuse of course."
He pulls at his beard.
"I just want to let you know, nothing that I've said is meant to pressure you in any way. It's fine if this is the end. I didn't want you to get mad, or to leave things left unsaid, I needed you to know how special this Christmas was for me because of you."
"I might have been too casual about the whole thing." I twirl a strand of hair around my finger. "I've had a big crush for you since I started your class. And you were always saying howwrong it was, I didn't want to let you in on how much I wanted this. I was happy when we got stuck in that gym."
"I was too."
My eyes widen.
"Yeah, you weren’t the only one with a crush, Poppy. It was so wrong and I fought so hard against it but I always look forward to seeing you. I kept asking you to not let your assignments reach the deadline because I didn't want to spend time alone with you. I didn't know what I'd do."
