I stormed out, feeling so angry I could wrestle a bear onto my shoulder and carry it up a mountain. The blast of outside air hit me with all the impact of a thunderclap. It burned my face and cracked my cheeks.
By the time I’d started my car, my frozen tears felt like tiny icicles stabbing into my skin.
But as painful as it was, nothing hurt worse than my heart.
~ 42 ~
HAYDEN
It was a miserable, rain-soaked week. The kind of weather that filled you with a sense of vague, unsubstantiated dread, while stretching your nerves to the absolute breaking point.
And my nerves were pretty much shot, from the jump.
I filled it with as much work as possible, considering the circumstances. I could still take clients at the second of my two home clinics, while the first one put together their ‘investigation.’ I had a good mind to tell Dana and her company to fuck right off, but I loved the people there, and my clients as well. Losing them for good would be devastating. After some soul searching, I decided to ride it out.
The shelter of course took all the volunteer hours I wanted to give, and I gave a lot. Monica appreciated the extra help, and for some reason, was uncharacteristically nice to me at times. It’s possible she sensed I was going through some shit, even though I kept my affairs mainly to myself. Being around the animals helped, though. Petting and walking them was some solid therapy, and I’d forgotten how good it was to connect with something that loved you so unconditionally.
As for my eerie new apartment, I avoided it as much as I could. I had to sleep and shower there, but never utilized it to unwind at the end of the day. I found myself driving, sometimes long distances, just to get away from everything for a while. I’dstop at some random mall, to walk the shops, or have dinner in a strange restaurant. Other times I’d park somewhere pretty and read a book, leaving my car running and the radio on, with the heat blasting down near my legs. I loved the way it warmed me as the rain poured down all around. For a while at least, it washed things away. It made me forget.
There were two problems with this little formula, though. One, I wasn’t facing down my problems at all. If anything, I was actively avoiding them, hoping they would go away. I came to work every morning exhausted with all the driving, or from sleeping like shit in general. It wasn’t sustainable.
The bigger problem, of course, was Cole.
He’d stopped by the apartment several times, and although I’d never answered the door, he’d left me things. Most of them were notes, or flowers, or tokens of appreciation, meant to get me back. All of them were creepy. I’d thrown every single one in the trash, without reading more than one or two rambling lines of his psycho-babble.
But then I started seeing him… just about everywhere.
It started around town, where I’d catch a glimpse of someone his size and think it was actually him. There were flashes of him no matter where I went, no matter how far I was from home. Once, in a mall halfway to the Adirondacks, I thought I saw him leaning over the second story railing, staring down at me. I ran for the stairs, looking to catch him, but by the time I got there, whoever it was, was already gone.
Yet if Cole was stalking me, it didn’t make much sense. I drove at night, on empty roads, making sure I was never followed. I chose places I’d never gone before, so there was no way in hell for anyone to know I’d be there.
By the weekend, I was pretty sure I was going crazy. Avoiding me wasn’t Cole’s style, anyway. He’d always been blunt and direct about what he wanted, even if everything he wanted was always self-serving. There was a good chance that I hadn’t been seeing him at all. That my tired mind was grasping at straws, giving me what I expected to see, rather than the truth of reality.
And right now, my reality sucked.
By Saturday night, I was thoroughly wrecked. I wanted more than anything to just climb into bed, and call it an early night. But my mind was racing, and wouldn’t give me the keys to the kingdom of sleep. On top of that, my heart hurt so badly it was waking me up even during those rare, fitful snatches when I would drift off.
There was no mystery there, though. I knew exactly why my heart hurt.
I still haven’t heard from them.
It both bothered and relieved me at the same time. On one hand, I didn’t want to see a text message or phone call from any of the guys. I was leaving them alone, keeping them out of trouble. I’d driven past The Refuge, and was thrilled to see the bar was open again. This meant that Cole had fulfilled at least a small part of our bargain.
On the other hand, it pained me to think they’d forgotten about me so quickly. Our connection was stronger, or so I thought. I expected them to fight, to at least try to keep me. It felt wrong, and even a little childish to want that, though. Selfish and greedy, too.
And those were the traits that had gotten me in trouble in the first place.
I’d finally settled into my strange new couch, which I hated more than anything else in my weird new apartment, when the screech of tires had me bolting upright. It was so loud I ran to the window, where I caught the taillights of Cole’s Mustang ripping off down the street. It was moving fast, and with purpose. But at least it was moving away.
Still, I was queasy and sick. I felt trapped in my own apartment, which wasn’t even mine by this point, almost against my will. I was alone. Lonely. Filled with a sense of growing horror, and unease, and—
KNOCK! KNOCK!
The noise at my door was so abrupt, my soul momentarily left my body! In the room’s muted light I crept my way to the peephole, trying to be as silent as possible. Inch by inch I raised my eye level with it, fearful of what I’d find on the other side…
Then euphoria exploded through me, and I flung open the door.
~ 43 ~
