Just like I had my whole life, I wasn’t looking for another girl, because I already had one. Even though she wasn’t actually mine. I thought about Erica each day, and even had the notes from when I last saw her saved to my laptop. Words that described her to the best of my ability to try to remember her. She was still the background on my phone and I saw her every day, but nothing could compare to the time I once heard her voice.
How I missed those days.
I had started following her on Facebook, but when she accepted my friend request, that was about where the communication ended. She might not have even realized who she had accepted. My fingers had hovered over my keyboard that night, waiting for words to come out in a message I could leave on her wall, but when I needed words the most, they failed me. I was too scared of the rejection that would come if she didn’t remember who I was. I had been turned down time and time again for the poems I had written, until I got it just right, and each of those times were a walk in the park to the anticipation that Erica wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
Instead, I watched from afar as she grew each year while in college. When she hit the dean’s list. When she won her first math competition for state. My pride for her knew no bounds, but the guys standing in front of me didn’t know any of that, and for some reason, even though they were my best friends, I still wanted to keep Erica a secret.
I think it was because she still wasn’t fully mine and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of it one day happening. Not that I thought they could stop me, but I wanted it to be just our secret for now.
I had no idea if Erica felt the same way, but one day I was hoping to be able to convince her of these feelings that had captured my soul so long ago.
“I know.”
“You know,” Max finally spoke up. “So what is it?”
I went to answer, but he stopped me.
“Who is it?” He changed the question. He knew it was someone else. Max was always intuitive when it came to people, and now he was using it on me. Bastard.
“You all don’t know her.”
“Is she real?” Greg laughed with his question and I shot him a glare. My whole body went rigid with the assumption the Erica wasn’t real. She was. She was more than real. She was everything I could have ever dreamed of about a woman and she was there, out in the world living, without me. “Sorry, man.”
Greg shot me the apology, but I waved it off. He didn’t need to apologize, I was the one over here being overly sensitive about a woman who wasn’t mine because I got caught up in myself and the worry behind contacting her. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, then opened them to see all the guys still staring at me. I might not have made her mine yet, but there was going to come a day when I bit the bullet and did it. It just wasn’t right now.
“Why have you never mentioned her before?” Jack asked, his whole demeanor changing. He went from being this big brute to this soft teddy bear. He leaned toward me with a look of wonder in his eyes. None of us had ever dated since meeting each other, but the boys did love to meet girls and have flings. I was just the sidekick and I was fine with that.
“There is only one thing you all need to know about her.” I stepped close to them so I wouldn’t have to shout and told them exactly what they needed to hear to never have this conversation come up ever again. All eyes were on me and in that moment I felt a sense of peace that I was finally letting a little of myself out there in the world for others to hear and understand.
“My heart belongs to her, and it has for a long time.” I looked around at each of the guys and held eye contact with them and shrugged like my next statement wasn’t a threat to them.
“And I’ll never tell you who she is, so don’t ever ask again.”
Erica
I lay in bed, searching through stock photo sites different scenery photos around the world. It was what I usually did on a Thursday night. Well, actually, it was what I usually did every night.
I didn’t have much of a social life and I was okay with that. I was enjoying myself at college and didn’t feel I needed to stick myself out there in the world to really make myself happy. My math classes, competitions, and my camera kept me company enough.
“Get up.”
My roommate of the past two years, Melissa, barged into my room.
“What?” I looked up from my computer, confused. She was dressed to impress in her miniskirt and band tee with knee-high Converse, with long blond hair braided down her left shoulder. I knew she was itching to leave the apartment. She knew I hated to go out, which was why we made great roommates. Where she was wild and crazy, I was tame and calm. It worked out well for our living arrangements. Except on nights like tonight when I knew she was going to beg me to come with her.
“We’re going out to a frat party.”
She tossed a dress to me, but I didn’t pick it up as it landed on my feet. I pushed it down to the end of the bed with my foot and continued to scroll through the photos. They were gorgeous, all the different cities I wanted to see, and this was one of the only ways I was going to.
After my first plane ride here years ago, I vowed to never step foot on a plane again. I’d had a panic attack on takeoff, and landing was even worse. I passed out and had to be taken off by a medical team. Not a pretty sight.
It was the first time I had ever had a panic attack from my stress and anxiety. I didn’t know how to stop it, so instead of worrying about it, I just made sure not to put myself into situations where it could happen again.
So, when the first summer of school ended, I knew I had a decision to make. I liked Melissa as a roommate and offered her up a deal no college kid would turn down. Living in an apartment off campus. And that’s what we had been doing for the past year.
We had our own place where we didn’t have to move out of and could stay in the area where some of the seniors lived. Melissa has been crushing on a few of the guys, so she snatched up the chance as soon as I offered it.
It also meant I never had to take a plane home because I got a car to take us to campus and when I did want to go home on long weekends, I just drove. Melissa also never had a reason to leave, since she came from the foster system and wasn’t actually close to her foster parents, so I soon became her family. Even if we weren’t all that close, we still cared for each other.
