Tony stood next to me but didn’t make a move. He hadn’t heard anything from Law either on the other end of the headphones. He didn’t try to speak to him either. If he knew anything like I did, this was a bad one.
Tony placed his hand on top of mine and we watched from where we were, but this didn’t feel like last time anymore. My legs were strong in their stance, like I was going to have to be strong for this one.
My lip didn’t quiver and the tears in my eyes slipped out without any care as to what I wanted.
I wiled myself to breathe again, knowing the lightheadedness I felt was going to do no good for the baby and I had to keep us both safe. We had to be here for Law once he got off the track.
I squeezed Tony’s hand as a few of the crew on the ground looked back at us. A paramedics truck pulled up and they didn’t bring out the stretcher immediately. A man came to the window of Law’s car and reached in, taking his time evaluating what was happening.
I was focusing on my breaths as Tony’s hand mindlessly rubbed against mine. We were both stuck in the same spot. Frozen in a moment we had no idea what was going to come from it.
The paramedic who has reached into the car came up to one of the officials who looked back at our pit. His head shook and he pointed to his headphones. Tony grabbed for a remote and switched channels, listening to whatever was being said.
I tried to grab for them, but Tony just held my hands away and then he looked down at me. The sadness in his eyes said everything I never wanted to hear.
“No.” The word shot out of my mouth and I lunged for the stairs next to us, but Tony grabbed my waist and held me back. I could barely see it, but I knew what it was. That look in all of their eyes. “Law.”
His name escaped me in a desperate plea to reach out to something. Anything that it could, because I knew Law wasn’t going to be able to hear it.
I struggled in Tony’s arms as they tightened around me. I threw my headphones off, knowing that no one would be coming over the line to say anything. I pushed at Tony’s hands all the while staring back at where the paramedics were taking Law out of his car.
Last time I had seen this happen, his body was just as lifeless. There were no movements, no twitches that would make what I knew in my heart to be true. They placed him on the stretcher and took him into the ambulance that I knew would go straight to the hospital.
This time I knew everything was going to be different.
It was all I was ever going to need to know because in that moment, no matter what had happened to get Law and me here, I knew one thing for sure in this life. I wouldn’t be waiting in a hospital for Law to wake up. I wouldn’t get to hear his voice again. He wouldn’t get to hold our child in his arms.
This time, I knew I wasn’t going to get to say goodbye.
