Chapter 14
“Stay here for a moment.”I snapped out of my head as I looked around Max’s apartment. I hadn’t even realized we were here yet. The whole walk over, I kept thinking about what I wanted to say to Max, how I wanted him to know that I was serious about giving him this chance, but that it wasn’t just going to be a fling. I didn’t think I could do that with my heart, just throw it around. I needed someone to protect it, but I didn’t know how to tell Max that I thought he could be the one to doit.
The apartment was in disarray. There was trash throughout the living room and clothes thrown across the floor. When Max had come to see me last weekend, I didn’t understand how much I had affected him, but looking around, now I knew. I watched as Max quickly maneuvered throughout the place, cleaning up as much as he could. He even disappeared into the bedroom and returned with some spray, then headed into the kitchen. I heard water running in the sink and dishes being moved around. I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that Max was just now trying to make his place look nice, but I remembered how the invitation for dinner was offered on a whim. He wasn’t expecting me to be here tonight, but I was glad I got to see this side of Max. The more I saw him come undone, the more my heart grew forhim.
“Do you need any help in there?” I giggled. I rocked on my heels, trying to peer into the kitchen without moving from my spot. I felt like a child waitingthere.
“I’m almost done. Just give me a few more minutes.” His words came out breathlessly and he came to a skidded stop in front of me. Max’s lips met mine in haste before he raced back into his bedroom, where I heard more shuffling and hangers being rummaged through. When he emerged from his room, he had changed into a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt. I loved it when he dressed down. It showed me just how much of a normal person he was, and that he wasn’t only myboss.
“That’s not fair.” I looked down at my skirt and dress shirt. The grin on his facegrew.
“Whatever do you mean?” An arm snaked around my waist as Max held mecloser.
“It’s not fair that you get to be comfortable and I’m still in my work clothes.” I pushed away from Max before he could get more of an advantage over me. Every time this man touched me, I becamejello.
“How about you go sit on the couch? Turn on a movie, and I’ll make dinner.” He didn’t wait for me to respond, smacking my ass while pushing me towards the couch. Max made his way to the kitchen, and I plopped myself down on the couch to found the remote. When I turned on the TV, I wasn’t expecting it to be turned toDoctor Who. I tried to change the channel but realized soon enough after hitting the back button that it was on Netflix. I knew Max wasn’t the type to watch this on his own, so my first conclusion was that Lilly told him about my obsession. He was already on the second series,though.
“Did you skip nine?” This was a serious question, because if he had, I was walking out that door right now. The rustling coming from the kitchen stopped, and Max’s head peered around thecorner.
“Hell no! My favorite by far!” He went back to whatever he had been working on and I restarted the episode he had just finished. I didn’t want to ruin his streak. I didn’t pay attention to what episode it was, but by the time it came on, I had kicked off my shoes, curled into a ball, and muted everything else in the world out. “The Girl in the Fireplace,” my favoriteepisode.
My eyelids started to flutter and I felt sleep gaining control of me, just as a horse walked onscreen. I was softly being shaken awake. I looked up to see Max standing there with a smile on his face and plates in his hands. The smell of pizza wafted up my nose, and I took a plate from Max as I sat up. I looked over at him to see the plate he had only had one slice on it, compared to my three slices. The homemade pizza made my mouth water, and it was like he knew that I needed tons of sauce and cheese piled on thebread.
I brought my legs against my chest, not sorry for taking most of the food. We didn’t need to talk as I stuffed bite after bite down my throat. We worked well together without words. I realized as I started on my third slice, though, that I hadn’t even thanked him. I had fallen asleep on his couch, and now he was feeding me. I was the worst kind ofhouseguest.
“Thank you.” The words came out smushed together, on account of the fact that I hadn’t even swallowed my last three bitesyet.
“Oh, don’t stop eating on my account.” He was laughing at me, but instead of making me self-conscious, I laughed with him. I was probably a sight to see right now. “Clearly, you’re not taking care ofyourself.”
Max’s words brought me back to the present. They weren’t meant to be hurtful, but they made me think. I was eating, just not as much as I normally did. I ate today at lunch, but that was hours ago. Come to think about it, I normally only ate one meal a day, sometimes two. He was right though, I wasn’t taking care of myself, and I didn’t know why I had grown into this custom. Max didn’t try to move closer to me as we chatted away eating the pizza. The TV had automatically forwarded to the next episode and soon became background noise. Max wouldn’t move any closer to me, though, and I wanted himto.
“Did Lilly tell you aboutDoctor Who?” I looked up just in time to see him blush before he pulled himselftogether.
“She did, and I thought I would give it a chance. She and Erica told me a lot last week. I even took notes.” He reached into his pocket, taking out a piece of paper, but didn’t look up at me. It looked worn and folded, almost like he had been studying that little piece of paper. “If I’m going to win your heart, I should probably know what you like and don’tlike.”
I could only imagine what these girls had told him, but how much had they left out as well? You could only tell someone so much without leaving out some minor—or even crucial—details. Max slipped the paper back into his pocket, tucking it in for safekeeping. Even with everything the girls had told him, I knew it was up to me to let him get to know the realme.
“Well, if you really want to know more, I’m pretty sure I should tell you the rest myself.” Max’s posture changed then, like he was all ears, eagerly awaiting the opportunity to learn more. He leaned closer to me, and I all but expected him to take the paper back out and start writing some more notes down. I took a deep breath before I started, knowing that the words about to come out of my mouth weren’t going to be the fun ones I knew Max hoped for. No. If this man wanted to know about me, he needed to know the darkest parts of my soul. The ones that kept me up at night, wishing for a differenttomorrow.
“I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life, Max, and all have shaped me into the person I am now.” I paused to gauge if he was really ready to hear the rest. His hand lay against my thigh, and he moved his whole body towards me. I had his full attention now. I looked down at my hands, I didn’t know if I could look him in the eyes as I told him this next part. “I lost trust a long time before Adam. When my father died when I was 17—” I heard the sharp intake of breath from him, but didn’t flinch. I wiped away a few tears that had leaked out. “I felt that I couldn’t trust anyone with my heart again, because I couldn’t risk having it broken like that again. The only person that I wanted to run to after it happened was the one who had leftme.”
I closed my eyes, trying to forget the memory that was seeping into me. My father lying there as I screamed for help. People telling me over and over again that it would all be okay. That he was in a better place now. Max tilted my chin up, and I finally got to see the look in his eyes. It wasn’t sympathy, or even empathy, no, they were encouraging me to continue. So Idid.
“That day, I broke. Something inside of me changed. My mother was never around for me as a child, so her not being there for my father’s death was the nail in the coffin. I couldn’t look at her, but she was my mother, and I had to. She took me in, moving me from Georgia out to California for my senior year of high school. That’s when I first met Adam, and we even ended up going to the same college.” I took a deep breath, trying to get myself in the right mindset. “I thought the only way to move past that kind of pain was to replace it with love, so that’s what I did. Well, that’s what I tried to do, but I only ever kept pushing people away. Friends. Family. I thought Adam and Lilly would be mine forever, since they were the only ones to stick around, but I guess I waswrong.”
Max brushed a tear from my cheek, but it didn’t matter, because another one quicklyfollowed.
“Alexa. You don’t have to tell me all of this.” Max pulled me into his arms, but I pushed back. “None of this was in any way yourfault.”
Of course he didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him. I had lost the only people who had ever shown me true love, and by trying to replace them, all I did was learn how much love could hurt. That wasn’t something I wanted, that was why I was guarding my heart somuch.
“You don’t understand, Max.” I pushed the blanket off me and removed myself from the couch. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t allow myself to feel such things again. Not when I knew just how bad heartbreak felt. I didn’t want to feel it a third time. “This was amistake.”
“Oh no you don’t.” Before I could even make it a foot out of his reach, Max grabbed me and sat me right back down next to him. “We are going to talk this out. You have your past and I havemine.”
“Max.” A sob tore out of me, filling the room with the pain I felt. “I don’t know if I can give you the kind of love youneed.”
That was the truth. The man had said it before that he would make me fall in love with him, but as I told him about my father, I could feel it inside of me. Thatthatkind of love was growing. I didn’t want it to, though. I had given Adam that kind of love and he’d betrayed it. My father had left me. So what would end up happening with Max? That just wasn’t a question I wantedanswered.
