“What’s the matter?” she asked, sounding almost concerned.
“What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?” he barked. In the corner of his eye, he noticed that Dorothea had stopped her playing and that she stood still as if she was too wary to approach.
“We were having a picnic?—”
“Don’t you know better than to take her here? She nearly drowned here, for God’s sake! And you!” He whirled to Dorothea. She flinched, and his anger abated for just a second. “Go home. Now.”
“Yes, Daddy.” Dorothea hung her head as she quickly walked off. Nina trotted behind her, pushing her nose into Dorothea’s hand as if she was trying to cheer her up. Joseph ignored the sight, ignored the pinch of guilt he felt. He was doing what was best for her.
When he turned to face Catriona once more, the rage in her eyes nearly made him take a step back. “You are utterly ridiculous!” she hissed. “What is the matter with you? It is not such a bad thing to have Dorothea relax with a picnic once in a while.”
“And you thought to bring her here? Clearly this place isn’t safe for a child her age, and you of all people should know that. She nearly drowned on your watch, after all.”
“I would have never allowed that to happen, and I’m offended that you even thought it! She’s lonely and bored, Joseph. I was only trying to spend time with her so that she doesn’t feel like a shadow in her own home.”
“She doesn’t feel like that.”
“How would you know? You hardly pay any attention to her. All you do is demand complete perfection without realizing the pressure you’re putting on a little girl!”
“Don’t tell me how to parent my child?—”
“You need someone to tell you how to parent your child because you obviously don’t know what you’re doing!”
Joseph took a step back this time, his head so hot with anger that he couldn’t think straight. Catriona’s chest heaved, her face red, her eyes blazing. He’d never seen her this angry, and even through the haze of his anger, he was touched that it was on behalf of his daughter.
“If you didn’t want someone who voices their opinion, Joseph,” she went on, “then you never should have married me. I cannot just sit back any longer and watch as you pay more attention to your work than your own daughter. And then you have the nerveto get angry with me when I try to spend time with her, whichyoushould be doing! You are robbing her of the right to be a child.”
“You don’t know anything, Catriona. You haven’t been here long enough to understand what you’re talking about.”
“I’ve been here long enough to understand that you need someone to tell you what you’re doing wrong. And if that angers you, then perhaps marrying me was a mistake.”
He nodded, his body going cold all of a sudden. “Yes, perhaps it was.”
Shock and hurt struck her face at once. He nearly called his words back at the sight, an apology rushing to the tip of his tongue. She didn’t give him the chance to voice it, however. She was already stalking away, picking up the skirt of her dress as she marched away.
Joseph watched her go. With every step she took, his regret sank within him like hot stones, chasing away his anger. He ran his hand down his face then through his hair, not knowing what to do with himself. He wanted to chase after her, to tell her that he hadn’t meant those words, but he stayed there instead.
But all he could think of when he had seen Dorothea racing around so close to the riverbank was her falling into the water. He saw her flailing, saw Catriona’s delay because she had been far too focused on her book. For a brief, horrifying moment, all he could imagine was the one thing he’d dedicated his life topreventing. He’d already lost one person; he could not survive it if he lost another.
Yet Catriona’s words echoed in his mind. Her anger lingered. The hurt that had flashed in her eyes was now forever imprinted in his head.
Dorothea’s lowered head as she trudged away at his command, Nina trailing after her instead of remaining with her owner as if she knew that Dorothea would need her company more, was now a memory that would haunt him forever.
He’d always protected Dorothea, had always ensured that she was never in harm’s way. And all these years, he never considered that he might have made a mistake. He couldn’t lose Dorothea, but right now, it felt as if he already had.
CHAPTER 18
Catriona locked herself in her bedchamber for the rest of the day simply because she was too furious. Her anger at Joseph lasted hours, but by the time night fell, by the time she’d pushed through dinner and was preparing for bed, a lot of the anger was at herself.
She cried.
That was also why she stayed in her chambers. Too many times, she felt the force of tears pushing to escape, and more often than not, she was useless against them. Her heart felt as if it was splintering, and she couldn’t fathom why. All she could think about were Joseph’s last words, and her heart splintered some more while her tears fell harder.
Catriona sat by her window, legs tucked to her chest. She’d tried to take her mind off her argument with Joseph all day, but now that it was nighttime, she let mind wander freely. It took her to that dark place she’d almost forgotten about, reminding her about the doubt and insecurity she’d felt before. She didn’t knowif she would be a proper duchess, if she had what it took. But not for a second had she wondered if she knew what it meant to be a proper wife. Not until now.
He regretted it. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did, shouldn’t reduce her to tears like this, but she couldn’t help it. Without realizing it, she’d grown accustomed to her position as wife, as impersonal as it should be, yet now she wondered if she’d truly made a mistake in accepting Joseph’s proposal. He couldn’t handle her honesty. He didn’t appreciate how much she cared about Dorothea. How much she cared about him, even though she knew she shouldn’t. What future could she possibly have in a house like this?
Catriona heaved a sigh, wiping at the stray tear running down her left cheek. She got to her feet and fetched her robe and a candle. It was late enough now that she doubted she would run into anyone. Nina, surprisingly, was not by her side tonight. Catriona could only assume that she was still with Dorothea.
