Finn’s smile was small but real. “Maybe not about that.”
I squeezed his hand before reaching for breakfast.
We sat and ate in silence as the sun climbed higher, the ranch coming fully alive below us.
“Can I ask you something?” Finn asked finally as we finished eating.
“You can ask,” I smirked. “We’ll see if I answer.”
“I know… Alex, it’s unnerving that you seem to be over everything that’s happened,” he didn’t look at me. “I thought for sure you’d have at least asked for a different room, but you’re just…”
“You’re waiting for the walls to go back up,” I supplied quietly when he didn’t add more.
He shrugged, eyes meeting mine.
“I can’t always control my immediate reaction to things,” my cheeks warmed, the confession something I’d always been deeply embarrassed over. “I can’t… it’s emotional dysregulation. It’s why I shut down instead. My brain forces me to shut down rather than lash out at people, especially people I care about. It’s helpful sometimes. It’s hard to run a business and be taken seriously when you feel everything so intensely.”
“And then later you’re fine?” He sounded skeptical.
“I’m not ‘fine,’ per se, but the logical part of my brain catches up and the intense emotions dissipate and I’m able to see things clearly again. Like a fog clearing.”
“I didn’t even think about it that way…” he murmured. “I’ve been reading about ADHD because I want to understand, but I guess I didn’t even think about how it actually manifests. I see when you’re brilliant, when you’re feisty, the way your mind instantly recognizes patterns and adjusts, but I didn’t think about the hard parts… How I might contribute to it.”
I turned to him more. “Finn, I know that what happened the other day wasn’t you. PTSD sucks, and we’re going to figure out how to make this work. I want to be there for you. I want to be there whenyourmind betrays you. But the rest of it…”
I stopped, needing a minute to recover from having to explain the parts of myself that I was still working to not be ashamed of.
“Part of why it hurts so bad when I find out you’re consciously keeping things from me is rejection sensitivity.” I took a deep breath. “Logically I know you aren’t actively trying to hurt me or abandon me, but… I have to work to remind myself that it’s not because I’m a horrible person. It’s just you being human and messy, like me.”
“My emotions are constantly just under the surface and anything that catches me by surprise and makes me feel negative emotions is like rubbing salt into an open wound. There’s just so much about my ADHD that’s always made being with anyone harder in the past.”
“Is that what it was like with Graham?” I caught the hard edge in his voice, noticed the way his jaw ticked.
“Sort of. At first I thought it was all my fault. But Graham cheated on me and tried to say it was my fault he did. And you’re ten times the man he’ll ever be,” I watched him, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. “Hell, Walker, you’ve given me more orgasms in the last month than he did in our entire relationship. I was practically cheating on him with my vibrator.”
Finn barked out a laugh, cheeks turning dark, but I tracked the way he sat up straighter, his chest puffing out just a little more.
My voice softened. “I mean it when I say I need you to be straight with me. That we can’t hide things from each other. Or my brainwillsabotage this relationship, and I don’t think either one of us wants that to happen.”
“No, ma’am.”
“Did you just ma’am me?” I chuckled. “Please tell me that’s not a new nickname.”
“No,” he huffed a laugh, rubbing his hand over his face. He was getting tired again. “But maybe… my feather.”
Warmth flooded my chest. “My Icarus,” I whispered, my voice rough.
“What a pair we are.”
After Finn dozed off again, I settled at the small desk with my laptop, finally reviewing the latest financial projections my advisor had sent over weeks ago. Different scenarios for handling Catalyst Studios ownership; loan options, partnership structures, all laid out in neat columns. Diving into spreadsheets felt like reclaiming some control over the parts of my life I could manage, but the answer of what to do still eluded me.
I was deep in comparing interest rates when my phone buzzed on the desk.
Lou:Hey Alex! Sorry to bother you, but Sherlock’s being weird again and I have a bachelorette party checking in this afternoon. Could you take a quick look? I’m at the front desk.
I glanced over at Finn, still sleeping soundly, then back at the screen full of numbers that were starting to blur together anyway.
Me:be there shortly.
