A long, calming breath filled my lungs.
I was here. And that was a step in the right direction.
My first full day back at work, and as much as I wanted to hide behind the walls of my home, I knew I needed to keep my mind occupied with all the mundane things necessary to keep me afloat.
Alone with my thoughts and the haunting what-ifs was not a good place to be.
One month.
It had been exactly four weeks since James’s brutal murder. The usual petulant tears stung at the back of my eyes, and I inhaled another lungful of air as I fought to keep the horrifying images of his possible last moments at bay. A battle I often lost since it was hard not to blame myself. I was there that night—the last person to see him alive. Helplessness gripped my heart, and regret ate away at my self-worth.
Survivor’s guilt was a bitch, and I was three for three.
Pulling out a small compact, I swiped at my tears and scrunched my face before dabbing the small streaks of mascara at the corners of my eyes. My teeth gleamed behind a methodically practiced smile. I’d be damned if I started blubbering in my cubicle on my first day back to work.
I was fine,I repeated to myself.Everything would be fine.
On the outside, I was successful. Promoted to detective six months ago. Attractive. Fit. By all appearances, I had my shit together. But inside, sometimes, I felt broken. My life plagued by loss and grief.
Maybe loneliness. I wasn’t sure.
The chime of my glucose meter jarred me from my self-deprecating thoughts.
105. Stable.
Huffing out a sigh, I zipped up my kit and shoved it into the top drawer of my desk.
“Eva, this came for you.” Sam’s voice had me turning in my chair.
“It came here?”
He nodded, his blond curls bouncing as he handed me a business-size manila envelope.
“Doesn’t have a return address. And to be honest, I was hesitant to show you without opening it first.” My partner’s forehead creased as he leaned an elbow on the back panel of my cubicle. “In case it’s anything to do with James’s case. It’s your first day back, and the last thing I want is for something to upset you.”
The sound of his name spoken out loud sent a chill to my heart. I bit back the waves of sadness and slipped a finger under the flap, breaking the seal and pulling out a small stack of documents.
“I appreciate the sentiment. But also, thank you for trusting my ability to handle whatever this is.”
Black font jumped out against the stark white sheets of paper, and I suddenly felt the need to be alone.
“Sam, I…”
Sam held both hands up, a small smile crooking his lips. “I get it. But if you need anything from me, Eva, please let me know. You don’t have to do this alone.”
I assented slowly, forcing my lips to curl into a half-hearted smile. “Of course. Thank you.”
He flipped his mop of hair and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder before turning to leave.
“Oh, and Sam? Please let me know if you hear anything on Rayne.” He nodded. My young informant had been missing for a little over two weeks. Another person I cared about who I felt I’d let down.
“One more thing.”
“Yeah?”
“For the love of God, get a haircut.”
He tipped his head and laughed. “You know, my wife said the same thing. But I kind of like it.” His fingers smoothed through the golden locks.
