“My love for you is one thing. It’s not a switch I can turn on and off. Trust me, I wish I could.” She pushed to her feet. “You and I come from different worlds. I can’t imagine you just walking away from something like that. You know you can’t,” she sobbed, wiping at her tears. “And I don’t even want to know the price if you could. I couldn’t live with myself if—”
“Don’t you do that. That’s not your burden to bear because I’d do anything and everything to have you. I’d make this whole goddamn world burn for you, Eva.”
She turned around and cried. “No, Derek… please, just stop.”
I clenched my fist, needing to punch something out of frustration and impotence. Nothing would sway her because, ultimately, I wasn’t the man she deserved. I didn’t know how to be anyone else. There was no redemption for men like me. I lived my life toeing the line between hell and the one on this plane of existence. I couldn’t fault her for wanting to run.
“Go, Eva.” She froze. “It’s okay.”
“Derek…”
“I’ll see you around.”
Eva didn’t look back. A part of me wanted her to run out of the room before I scooped her up and never let her go, but this was a necessary evil.
CHAPTERFORTY-SEVEN
EVANGELINA
The food on my plate was getting cold as I pushed it around with a fork like a toddler. I hadn’t had much of an appetite for the last few weeks, but as Lex always said, I didn’t have the luxury to skip meals. I peered down the aisle of the small cafe—my favorite one to frequent for obvious, pathetic reasons—to see whether my cousin was on her way back from using the restroom. Just the thought of putting any of this food into my mouth made me want to vomit.
I’d been feeling that way for a while, and was horrified when I realized the possibility of pregnancy, then devastated after half a dozen negative tests confirmed I indeed was not having Derek’s baby. It was a strange roller coaster ride of emotions.
I hadn’t seen him in a little over a month, but it was as if I felt him nearby. The heat of his presence, the charge in the air that crackled between us. And maybe he was close by, keeping an eye on me. I’d like to think that was true and not the alternative where he’d moved on and forgot about what we had—selfish as it was. I tried to convince myself he deserved happiness, though his life was so complicated that the notion was ridiculous. And did I really want him to fall for another woman?
The logical part of me knew what that answer should be, but the hopelessly-in-love woman, whose favorite color happened to be red, knew better. Derek had ruined me for any other man. How would I ever give myself to someone else when he owned every piece of my heart forever? But I couldn’t look past who he was and what he’d done, even though there were days when my resolve faltered. I still held on to the hope that I’d wake up one day without the longing, the endless search for the missing half of my soul.
“Hey, babes, just got a call, and I gotta run to the office. You want me to drop you off?”
I shook my head as I took a swig of water. “I’ll call for a ride. I don’t want you to go out of your way.”
Lex clucked her tongue and rolled her eyes. “You know what, Evangelina? I won’t even entertain that comment.”
I leaned in the booth and laughed, unable to recall the last time Lex had addressed me by my full name.
“I’ll see you later at Dad’s for dinner.”
“I’ll be there,” she threw back from the door.
Lex was my buffer where my father and I were concerned. We were on much better, albeit rocky terms these days, but I forgave him and would always love him dearly—I could never forget the years of deception, his involvement with the criminal underworld, and how it had cost Frankie’s life.
“Beautiful bracelet.”
I jumped in my seat, startled by the waitress’s voice as she gathered Alexa’s empty dishes.
“Oh, thank you.”
I absently slid the piece of jewelry back and forth across my wrist, the light catching the diamonds in such a mesmerizing way. I hadn’t worn it since the day I found out the truth about Derek, and I’d only slipped it on this morning because Diego decided to use my other one as a chew toy.
The gorgeous piece was a reminder of what was and could have been.
I blew out a long, resigned breath, my eyes being pulled to the window, where a tall figure dressed in all-black tailored clothing stood at the end of the street. Tossing some cash on the table, I darted out of the cafe without thinking. It had been a month. What would I even say? Were we supposed to hug? It was an odd question regarding a man who had bent me over and fucked me senseless in ways that still sent shivers of phantom pleasure down my spine.
Maybe it was my nerves and trepidation, but I suddenly felt light-headed. Filling my lungs with oxygen, I pushed forward and snaked through the bustling street. A couple of weeks before summer, all of Philly came out in droves. Annoyance clawed up my back as an older woman shoved in front of me, looking back as if I was the one who needed to watch where she was going. Her cold eyes scrutinized me, and I didn’t know what to make of her brazen perusal. The world wasn’t the same place I knew a little over a month ago. As far as I was concerned, she could have been some CIA operative.
I averted her gaze and finally reached the man I’d seen from the cafe, placing a hand on his forearm and causing him to twist in my direction.
But something else was happening simultaneously. Black specks dotted my vision, and my knees gave out.
