Jahlani can’t help the sound that slips out. “So, that’s supposed to excuse everything that you said to me? Because we share some DNA? And what about all the other years? You didn’t seem too concerned about buying me a plane ticket then.”
His sigh is ragged. “Look, baby. I’m just stressed out. I didn’t mean to take it out on you, okay?”
Bullshit.
And as she sits on the bench, she’s struck with a sharp realization.
She looks up at the sky, her throat tightening. “Dad,no. It’s notokay. It’s not,” she says, letting out a shuddering breath. “Would you want another man to treat me the way you do?”
His laugh is deep through the phone. “What, with love, Jahlani?”
“This isn’t love, Dad,” she whispers over the line, wiping under her eyes, thinking of Roman with Lucy. “This can’t be. You don’t know anything about me. Whenever you call I feel like shit. I don’t think it’s supposed to feel like this.”
He clicks his tongue. “Jahlani, don’t be silly, of course I love you.”
Jahlani nods, trying to fight the tears that form in the corners of her eyes as she grips the phone tighter.
“No,” she says, her voice coming out sharper than she intends. “This is toxic. One minute you love me, the next I’m greedy for wanting the money thatyoupromised me. You don’t call me for weeks,monthssometimes, and when you do, it’s to tell me you’re having another baby.”
“Jahlani, what? That is not true.”
“Yes, itis.And I’m just … exhausted,” she says, swiping under her nose. “I’m exhausted. So, please don’t try to manipulate me into wanting to spend the holidays with you,” she says, her voice shaky. “I need to focus on me, and I can’t do that when you’re making me feel guilty for wanting my basic psychological needs met by the person who gave me life.”
“Jahlani, can you just–”
She ends the call and drops the phone onto the swing, burying her face in her hands as she tries to stave off her tears. She’s not sure how much time passes when Roman’s car pulls into the driveway. She sits up straighter, checking her face in her cellphone, before sending him a small wave.
He starts to walk toward her, and she moves to gather her things, slipping her bag onto her shoulder. She makes it a point not to linger when he’s here. She shows up on time, she leaves on time. She’s punctual.
Professional.
How she should have been from the beginning, and Roman hasn’t been giving any pushback, and she’s thankful and really irritated about it for some outrageous reason.
She clears her throat, starting to stand when his hand shoots out to her shoulder, pressing her gently back into the seat. His eyebrows are knitted together and there’s alookon his face.
“What’s wrong, Jahlani?”
“Nothing,” she says fast. Too fast.
He sighs, removing his hand before dropping into the space beside her. He rubs his fingers over his eyes, his shoulders taut under his dress shirt. The past few weeks seem to have taken a toll on him. It’s the middle of the semester, which is always the hardest. She sees the list of tasks on his laptop right before he leaves for work every day. His hair seems more unruly than ever, his pants wrinkled, as she takes him in. The mid-term wastoday, and she’s excited to tell him that he passed despite their awkward dance over the past two weeks.
“Are you okay?” she asks. He turns to her and doesn’t say anything for a while. She turns away when it becomes too much. “You passed your mid-term by the way.”
She sees him lean closer from her periphery. “You were crying, Jahlani. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she says, sharper this time.
He rolls his neck, wetting his lips. “Look, I know things are weird between us?—”
Not weird. How it should be. Corrected.
“—but you can still talk to me. It doesn’t have to be awkward. We don’t have to tiptoe around this. Around each other.”
She lets out a soft laugh before sighing and rolling her eyes. “Ah. Good, because my feet werereallystarting to hurt.”
He bumps her shoulder with his, shaking his head. “Tell me.”
She blows out air between her lips. “It’s nothing. Well, it’s not nothing. It’s my dad. He bought me a plane ticket to go see him for Thanksgiving.”
