For Dean to put a stop to it…
The logical part of my brain knew why — we needed to talk — but it couldn’t stop the tightening of my chest and the lump in my throat.
Pleasure blocked the darkness. The memories.
It was a small cut, from a broken plate piece, yet my heart raced like it was worse.
It was a small cut, but I couldn’t breathe.
I lied about what I really did after leaving the rage room. Yes, I got a Band-Aid and changed my clothes, but I hurried straight to the restroom as soon as I could. I needed a moment to calm down.
I had locked myself in a bathroom stall and pinched my arms until I drew blood. It stained my nails.
Dean thought those stains were from the cut on my neck.
I’ve been lying to him.
I’ve been lying to everyone.
I lied to myself.
Nothing is fine—
There was a soft knock on the door.
“Lily?” Kira spoke gently. “Can I come in?”
I covered my mouth to catch a sob and curled my arm around my middle as that dark feeling, horrible and tight, rose through my body like bile, choking off my air supply.
Pinching my arms drew blood, but the pain wasn’t nearly enough to take away the pain I felt on the inside.
There was another knock on the door.
Or was that my heart pounding?
The knocks warped into distant gunshots.
I remembered the sharp pain of a bullet passing through my body.
All the blood.
“So much blood,” I whimpered, clutching my side as I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m fine—I’m fine—I’m fine.”
Everyone else has moved on. Why can’t I?
“Lily.” His voice was steady. Calm. “Open the door.”
Not a week had gone by since I left the hospital without a single reminder of that one afternoon. Everything triggeredthat one goddamn memory: loud noises, cars backfiring, Mom’s overbearing control of my life, Roxy’s death. A fucking broken plate cutting my neck.
And then there was Dean, with the threat of prison looming over his future, while a mob boss and my father split him in two. I wanted to help, but I could barely help myself.
The gun, temporarily tucked under my dresser, was the cherry on top of it all.
“Lily,” Dean repeated.
“I can’t—” Failing to catch a full breath, I clutched my chest. “I can’t breathe.”
“Yes, you can, Lily. You can. Just unlock the door. Please.” The faint plea in his voice made my heart ache.
