‘Perhaps,’ she admitted. ‘But now, I am asking you directly. What was your course of study?’
He seemed to try and reject various responses in his head before speaking, as if seeking something that was moreclever than the truth. Then, he surrendered and said, ‘Moral philosophy and ethics.’ Then, he gave her a worried look, as he waited for her response.
He was probably afraid she would laugh. Instead, she smiled and nodded.
‘You are not surprised?’ he said.
‘Cynics are nothing more than optimists who have known too much disappointment,’ she replied. ‘It makes perfect sense to me that a rake might be made from a disenchanted ethicist.’
‘That is probably true,’ he said, as if he had never considered it. ‘It did seem, at the time, that high standards and upright behaviour gained me very little.’
‘Probably because you were seeking the wrong things,’ she said, thinking of the Duchess of Ashton.
‘Now you sound like a vicar’s daughter,’ he replied.
‘Because that is what I am,’ she said with a wave of her hand. ‘Tell me, did a change in character achieve your goals?’
He hesitated again, then admitted, ‘The woman I sought to impress no longer interested me. Why have one woman when I could have a dozen, each prettier than the last?’
‘Your heart was not engaged,’ she said.
‘It does not do to think with one’s heart, when one lives the way I do. The less one feels, the better.’
‘I see.’ But really, she did not. The statement did not tell her what, if anything, he felt for her.
‘That is not to say I am incapable of feeling,’ he said quickly, as if sensing her confusion. ‘It is just that I have lost too many people not to be cautious. I never knew my mother. She died when I was born. My father was gone before I came of age. And my grandmother…’
He paused and swallowed before continuing. ‘The poor woman had great hopes for me. She died disappointed.’ He was staring at his feet again, his expression bleak.
‘I recall seeing the notice of her death in the newspaper,’ she said gently.
He did not look up. ‘It was shortly before the duel. I was still in a funk about it when I quarrelled with Septon.’
‘You must have been very fond of her,’ she said.
‘She was fond of me, more like,’ he said with a short laugh. ‘When my father did not remarry, she took it upon herself to help with the raising of me until I went off to school. She loved me, even as I dragged the family name through the dirt. I did not deserve her affection. I lied to her nearly every time I saw her. Told her the gossip she’d heard about me was nothing more than exaggeration.’
‘And was it?’
‘No. No, it wasn’t. But in our visits, we both preferred to maintain the fantasy.’ He looked up, his brow furrowed. ‘She was lying, as well. Pretending to believe me. She told me so, near the end. She said it was about time that I grew into my rank and stopped being such an ass.’
‘Perhaps she was right,’ Cassie said.
‘I agreed at the time,’ he said. ‘I promised that when next she saw me, I would be a changed man.’
‘I am sure the promise made her very happy,’ she said.
‘And I am equally sure she saw it for the lie it turned out to be,’ he said with a bitter smile. ‘She summoned me on the night she died. She sent a messenger with a letter asking me to come to dinner. He was to wait for my response. I was planning to go gaming with Septon and end the night with my mistress. So, I fobbed the old lady off with some excuse about a late session of Parliament.’ His voice gave a surprising crack and he took a moment to steady himself before speaking again. ‘I knew she followed the news closely. She was well aware that no such thing was happening. It was her last night, and I would not even takethe time to lie properly, much less keep my promise or accept her invitation.’ He fell silent, lost in the past.
She could not think of a response, either. Her father would know what to do in a case like this. He always seemed to have the right words when people were hurting, as Sebastian clearly was. She reached out a hand and took his. ‘I think you underestimate her. She loved you. And falling out of love with you is harder than you may think.’ Then, she touched his chin and turned his face to her for a kiss.
It was nothing, really. Just a touch of their lips. Over before it had begun and with none of the passion that they’d shared a year ago. But it was a kiss, all the same. And she had been the one to give it.
She looked around her, sure she must be blushing furiously for her skin felt hot and prickly as if she’d sat for hours in the sun. There were few people about and none that she knew. With luck, none of them recognized her, either. She turned back to the Duke who was pink, as well. ‘Why, Miss Fisk,’ he said, with wide eyes and a slowly dawning smile.
‘I should not have done that,’ she said, placing her fingertips on her lips.
‘Too late for regrets,’ he said, staring at her mouth. ‘And you must call me Sebastian, when we speak of this again.’
