‘Yes,’ she admitted tearfully, realising just how much she had internalised it all. She had to take a breath, feeling unsteady. ‘I did mess up. I didn’t show the greatest sense, or that I deserved to be trusted.’
‘Serena, you were a young girl who lost her mum and then her dad and you were grieving. You suffered so much in a short space of time. It was your stepmother’s job to understand that and be there for you and support you. It was her who failed you, not the other way around.’
The moment felt like a release, as if something she’d carried for far too long had just whooshed out of her. It was so powerful that tears slipped down her cheeks, and Serena made the decision in that moment to choose to believe that some of Marcia’s tough treatment of her had been in an effort to protect her, and now she was ready to move on from it as best she could. She’d carried pain and frustration for long enough and wanted to begin this new chapter without that baggage. And as long as Kit and Alexis were in her life, Marcia would be too.
She smiled up at Caleb. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For being kind. And supportive.’
He brushed away the falling tears with his thumb. ‘I told you—this may not be the most traditional set-up, but we can make it work.’
She nodded, believing in that. ‘I’m not sure I’ll ever like being dishonest with people about our relationship though. Lying to Evie today has been awful, especially because she’s so happy for me.’
‘I’m sorry. I know that it’s hard. Hopefully with time it will get a little easier.’
‘As easy as it is for you? Because you don’t seem to be struggling at all.’
A light smile touched his mouth. ‘It’s not without effort, I promise.’
Oh.The words stung and it must have shown on her face.
‘I didn’t mean that way,’ he breathed quickly, pulling her harder against his body when she wasn’t sure he’d meant to. ‘There’s no hardship in touching you, or holding you. Only in stopping myself from doing more of it.’
The words struck her heart like a bolt of electricity, and as her eyes lifted to his with surprise, she saw the same shock in his. Although she knew she’d be wiser to let it go, she couldn’t. Because as much as she didn’t want to give him her heart, her body rejoiced at the thought of being seized by him.
‘I didn’t think you were interested in…more,’ she said carefully.
‘I’m trying not to be.’ The fact that he didn’t deny wanting more with her made her blood fizzle. ‘But you’re not making that very easy,’ he added, casting her a glance filled with longing. It was the most unguarded she had ever seen him and seeing that power she possessed over him too sent a thrill snaking through her. ‘Don’t worry. I don’t plan on acting on it, or renegotiating our arrangement. It’s better if it remains as it is.’
Serena didn’t disagree, and yet there was a part of her that wonderedwhy?Which was a bad thought. An unwise one. It was hard enough exercising control of her thoughts without further confusing them with sex, and yet there was always the possibility that giving into their chemistry would bring clarity and not confusion. If they leant into the sexy, edgy energy and satisfied the beating needs of her body, maybe she could stop fretting that her feelings were more than desire. She knew Caleb wanted to keep the waters between them clear, and she did too, but provided they both agreed it was about attraction and pleasure only, would it be the worst thing if the lines blurred a little?
Yes, it would, a voice in her head screeched, and Serena quickly shook the crazy notion from her mind, questioning frantically where it had come from.
For the remainder of the dance, she guarded her thoughts carefully, relieved when the song ended and she was able to step away from the temptation of her husband. At least temporarily…
When they arrived back at the villa, Serena was exhausted. Not from the celebrations, but from the effort of resisting Caleb and controlling her own thoughts and reactions to him, especially after his revelations about desiring her… That had shaken everything in her, and even though she’d kept a tighter rein on her thoughts, ever since then their interactions had felt even more charged. Even now, when the pretence was over and she should have been able to relax, she was still achingly aware of the sensual tension oozing in the air between them, making it heavy and hot as it brushed against her skin. It wasn’t helping that with their arrival back at the villa, she kept thinking of what would be happening were this a real wedding night, her throat thickening as she did, because a part of her was aching for that pleasure-filled release.
‘I guess this is goodnight then,’ she said, breaking the heavy, crackling silence as they hovered in the open plan living space, their bedrooms at opposite ends of the villa.
‘It’s not that late,’ Caleb mused. ‘Stay up for a nightcap with me?’
It was the last thing she’d expected him to say, and though the invite was delivered innocuously, it somehow seemed laced with…danger. Breathing quickly, Serena contemplated an answer, letting her eyes slowly journey towards his, and as they met, the truth of where the night would end if she agreed shimmered between them. Her heart launched into her throat. It was only a handful of hours ago that he’d said he had no intention of acting on his feelings, but she sensed they’d gone beyond what he could control now. She didn’t know how it had happened, or when, but she could taste the inevitability of it, feel the pulsing life force of their mutual desire. It needed only a single spark to catch alight and send them both up in flames, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to be caught in that inferno.
Are you prepared to not experience it either?
‘I’m not sure that’s the best idea,’ she admitted with a quivering smile, unable to forget the many reasons to resist. The safety in resisting. ‘I think I should just go to bed.’
‘You’re probably right,’ he conceded with a wry smile of his own, his eyes lingering on her, as if savouring his last look of the day. ‘Goodnight, Serena.’
‘Goodnight Caleb.’
On trembling legs, she turned and walked to her bedroom. Even once alone, her body continued to jostle and she had no idea how she was going to sleep, not with such ferocious want beating in her blood. Quickly, however, Serena realised she had a more immediate problem. She couldn’t reach the fastenings at the back of her gown to take it off, and no amount of manoeuvring of her arms was helping. Asking Caleb for help was her only choice, but she had only just managed to walk away before and wasn’t sure she’d be able to do so a second time.
Why do you need to? You’re both feeling and wanting the same things. And neither of you are looking for it to mean more.
Serena was tired from the effort of denying herself. She had spent so much time being held back, and not just by her stepmother’s rules, but also, she could see now, by herself. The events in her life had taken a toll on her, knocking the fearlessness out of her and impressing on her the advantages of caution. She’d been scared of making more mistakes and bringing on further hurt and disappointment. But something had happened today. She’d let go of the belief that she had screwed up and the walls that had been holding her in had shattered, releasing all the pain and fear that had plagued her, and she could see more clearly now.
