There they were. The words she had wanted to hear for so long. She’d wanted to make him take responsibility for what he’d done to her and when he did she was never going to accept the apology. Was never going to forgive him. She hadn’t once considered that he could somehow be innocent, or that his words were taken out of context. She had seen him speak into the ear of her producer.
‘I didn’t realise—that’s not what he—’ Katherine’s mind was racing. ‘Did you ever find out what he said to me? Did he tell you?’
‘No,’ Lukas said, stepping closer, ‘because I don’t grant interviews to VelociTV. I give them none of my time.’
‘Why?’ She had to know. Was it because of her? But that would be ridiculous wouldn’t it because Lukas hated her and it had been three years. ‘Why, Lukas?’
‘It’s not important. The point is that I didn’t know.’
It mattered to her. It shouldn’t but it did. Though, given the fact that Lukas was turning away from her, she knew she wouldn’t get an answer even if she needed it.
‘Take a seat. I’ll bring the food out when it’s done.’
She was being dismissed. Why was he so opposed to talking about this? What was he hiding? Was she reading too much into it? She wanted to grab him by the arm and make him look into her eyes and spill his secrets. But she remembered the last time they’d touched, the handshake that still made her skin tingle when she thought about it, and she couldn’t risk the move.
They ate in silence. Side by side. The atmosphere neither comfortable nor hostile for once. It felt like they were on the verge of something. Like words sitting on the tip of a tongue but refusing to fall. And when they were done and the place had been perfectly tidied—as she had learned Lukas needed—she sat in front of the fireplace fully expecting Lukas to disappear into one of the other rooms as he so often did. Except he didn’t.
He joined her on the couch, wrapping a blanket around both their shoulders, huddling close as if he knew that having a smaller fire and the anxiety from the situation had chilled her. But having his body so close raised everything. Her awareness. Her heart rate. Her temperature. They weren’t hating on each other now, so why was he still affecting her like this?
‘Thank you for apologising earlier,’ she said softly. She still wanted him to know what he had jeopardised without even knowing it. Or maybe it was that she was feeling rather alone with nothing but white beyond the windows and only Lukas for company. Maybe it was that she had gone longer than usual without talking to her father. Whatever the reason, she wanted to talk now. ‘I was hurt but I was also terrified when I lost that job.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it was a dream I shared with my father and I was afraid I’d lost it before I even really had a chance to enjoy it.’ A tremor passed through her at the memory and, mistaking that for cold, Lukas wrapped an arm around her, holding her to his body. But she didn’t correct him. Didn’t pull away. She wanted to stay exactly where she was.
What is happening?
‘I come from a fairly large family. I have an older brother, a younger brother and a twin sister, and try as I might, I could never relate to them. They all got along so well but I was so different. Quiet. Studious. I preferred my books to company, while they were all so extroverted. The lives of the party. They had their little club and I was not part of it, which was fine because I had my own interests. I used to hang out in the library, they used to get into trouble. My sister, Paige, especially. And that has never changed. But through all of that, my dad and I had something to bond over. Something that only interested the two of us and that was Alpha One racing. During qualifying and the race, my dad was only mine for the entire broadcast. When it was over he had to go back to putting out the fires the others caused.’ Katherine had seen how her siblings’ behaviour would stress out her parents and she was determined that they would never have to worry about her. She still lived by that code as her parents were getting older. They had retirements to think about but how could they with three of their children still staying with them?
‘Racing wasn’t a realistic dream for you to have,’ Lukas said. There was no judgement or mockery. It was a simple, unfortunate truth.
‘No. Not just because there weren’t any real avenues for female racers at the time but also, there would have been no way for them to support me financially. But journalism? That was something I could work towards and my father was always my biggest supporter. He celebrated every step with me.’ And Katherine lived for that attention. It was the only time she felt seen.
‘What about your mother?’
That was a lot more complicated to answer. While Katherine loved her mother, she was probably the reason Katherine was so set on never marrying. Never having children. Her mother’s pressure still fuelled her drive in the opposite direction.
‘My mother doesn’t understand my need to succeed at all costs.’ Katherine supposed the one person who could understand that was sitting next to her. ‘She had a very promising career in marketing. She was climbing the corporate ladder and making a name for herself in the company but then she got married and had children. She left her corporate job for a lower paying one with limited growth that gave her time to spend with the family.’
Lukas’s arm tightened fractionally. ‘What’s the “but”?’
‘Butshe didn’t spend much of it with me because I didn’t need it as much as the others. She wants me to settle down like she did because, to her, that’s the right way to do things. Pursue things when you’re young and unattached but then make sacrifices for a family.’ But to Katherine the sacrifices always seemed too big.
She had seen pictures of her mother from her corporate days. A sophisticated, polished woman. Stylish and elegant. She had seen her parents’ wedding pictures where her mother had four bridesmaids. Her closest friends. Katherine hadn’t met a single one of them in person and knew her mother had lost touch with them. The lack of time due to their chaotic family was to blame. Katherine knew it.
That bright sophisticated woman was gone, replaced by one run off her feet. Styled hair replaced by an untidy bun every day. The only people her mother spoke to daily were her husband and her children. Excluding Katherine, of course, because Katherine didn’t need tending to. Her mother claimed happiness and yet, when they were younger, Katherine had seen the longing way she used to look at the handful of corporate mums who would drop their kids off in a hurry for school. On the weekends, when Paige used to flip through magazines, Katherine had noticed the way her mother—her own clothes covered in splatters from cooking or taking care of Nicholas—would gaze longingly at the fashion. The glamazons so reflective of how she once looked.
Her mother wasn’t fulfilled but she had an unshakeable idea of what duty meant. Of what her role was. And for some reason she wanted Katherine to follow suit.
‘And what do you want?’ Lukas asked.
‘I want to establish myself so firmly that no one thinks about Alpha One broadcasting without thinking about me. I want to follow this circus for the rest of my life. I want to grow bigger than I am. I want to—’
‘You want to…’ Lukas urged.
‘I want to be successful. I want to take care of my parents when they’re older. I know I’ll have to, with Paige the way she is.’
Katherine looked up at Lukas and saw understanding on his face.
