“Family farm?”
“True.”
“Special forces?”
He nodded. “Also true. These are all things I never should’ve been honest about in an undercover operation. If you’d been playing me, you would’ve known things about me—about my family—that could destroy me and them. But I couldn’t stop myself from telling you. Just like I couldn’t stop myself from asking about all of you. Not just the stuff that might possibly help us catch Freihof.”
“So plan B or Q, or whatever derivative you ended up at, was to ask me to out myself. To give up the tiniest bit of safety I’ve had for six years and rub the fact that I’m alive in his face. To be bait.”
“We will protect you. He won’t get anywhere near you. We just needed to get him to show up where we are ready, for him to go on the defensive.” He moved closer. “I would’ve asked you, Peaches. Begged you to help, if needed. Explained about the biological weapons and how many people he could kill indiscriminately.”
“I already knew Damien was a monster. Did I ever tell you about how one of his favorite games when I didn’t do something right, didn’t do something perfect, was to choke me until I stopped breathing and then revive me? Or leave me trapped in a cage while he left the house? Sometimes for days?”
She moved her legs away from his touch, but her voice held no emotion as she said the words. No anger. No fear. She should be screaming, railing, not sitting there in the chair like she was discussing the weather.
She was in shock. He needed to give her more time to adjust to what he was, who he was, what had happened. It was unreasonable to expect her to just be okay with it.
In many ways he wished she was furious at him, even hated him, screaming that she would never forgive him. That would be better than this despondency.
He put his hands on the outside of her chair, trapping her in his arms in the only way he knew how. “I’m sorry, Peaches. Sorry that I didn’t think there was any other way to do this. Sorry that you were too damn gorgeous and delicious for me to resist in that cabin, even though it broke every rule I’ve ever had. Sorry that I blindsided you with the press when we got here. But I knew, deep in my gut, that you would help us. That you wouldplay the role you needed to in order to help us draw Freihof out. To save so many lives.”
She stared at him with those bruised blue eyes for long moments. “Yes, you’re right. I’ve always been the perfect puppet.”
“Natalie...”
She stood, and he stood with her. He wanted to pull her into his arms, to just hold her. Not that it would make everything okay or even bring her closer to forgiving him, but because she looked like she was about to crack into a million pieces.
“No.” She held a hand out, stopping him. “You can’t touch me. Not right now. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I understand.”
She gave a self-deprecating shake of her head. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be sorry.” She walked toward the door, turning back as she reached it.
“You were right, Ren. Your gut was right. I would’ve helped you draw Damien out. Maybe not at first, like when Brandon and Andrea came to talk to me. But once I understood the true scope of the situation, I would’ve helped.”
“I know,” he whispered, feeling his heart crack a little more in his chest.
“You’re a good man who had a job to do that I happened to be part of. I know that. You had to do what you had to do. Me included.”
He couldn’t help it—he was at her side of the room in seconds, arms trapping her once again as he brought his forehead to the side of her head. Breathed in her scent.
“Nothing about us was fake, Natalie. Not being able to keep my hands off you was the truest thing I’ve ever felt. I regret that I wasn’t able to be honest with you, but I’ll never regret the days we spent together in that cabin. Getting to know you. Getting to taste you. Getting to love you.”
He felt her suck in a shuddery breath, leaning into him just the slightest bit.
“Then I’ll tell you what I would’ve told you if we’d come at this problem together from the beginning. If I’d been working with you and had agreed to all this.”
“What?”
“I won’t blame you for what happens. And you shouldn’t blame yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
“When Damien finds me and takes me...” Her voice cracked. “Whatever it is he ends up doing to me, it’s not your fault.”
His teeth ground in his jaw. “Not. Going. To. Happen.”
Now she turned completely to him, stepped closer and rested her forehead on his chest.
