He thinks on that for a moment and I nervously worry my lip. “Are you happy with Nathan?” he finally asks, pinning me with his gaze. “I know you’re not happy living here and not having a job, but does he make you happy? Because if that’s a yes…we did the right thing.”
Zane holds my stare, the pain obvious in the depth of his eyes, and when I hesitate for less than a second, he notices.
“I lost my best friend.” I pause, wanting to tell him I lost him too, but I don’t. I hold that truth close to my heart. “It took a while to be happy again. But I got there. I did.” I’m not exactly answering his question, but it’s close enough. “What about you?” I ask, shifting the focus. “You said so yourself—you couldn’t stay because you’d constantly be reminded of Sierra. Did leaving work? Or did you take her memory with you?”
“That’s not what this is about, B. That’s all in the past. I want to know how you feelnow. In the present.” He once again changes the topic, and I can’t move on.
“Zane, I think…” I trail off as a thought hits me. “Can you say her name?” I whisper, my breath catching as the question leaves my mouth.
“What?” Zane releases a breathy laugh.
“Sierra. Can you say her name?”
“Of course I can. But like I said, this isn’t about that. It’s—”
“Say it,” I cut him off and he sighs, running a hand down his tortured face.
“Why?”
“Because I need to hear it from your lips.”
“Why?” he repeats, his voice straining, his fingers curling into the fabric of his pants.
“Because you are theonlyone in this entire world that knows what she meant to me, the only person who understands. She was like a sister to me. Hell, I thought we’d be in-laws one day. I think about her all the time, and I hate the thought of you pushing her from your mind.”
Zane’s expression falls, and I swear I see water in his eyes before he turns away, schooling his features. And when he glances back, his expression is stoic.
“I will never forget her, B. Butpleasedon’t make me say her name.” His voice cracks, and he pauses for a beat, before whispering two words that break me. “I can’t.”
“Zane—”
“No, B.Please. I’m okay. I promise.” He glances down at his watch, shaking his head. “I should let you walk. I know you, and I bet my life savings that you probably came here to think. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”
God-freaking-dammit.My chest aches and I desperately try not to compare him to Nathan but… “How the hell do you know me so well? Did Jenna tell you that too?” Even as I say that, I know that I’m wrong. Jenna wouldn’t have said that. He justknows. “I never hiked back when you knew me,” I say under mybreath, struggling to process the feeling of comfort welling up inside me.
Zane smiles warmly and it takes me back to his smiles from the past. “Lucky guess.” He shrugs, but I don’t think that’s true. He always paid attention. Always listened. Because it was what I deserved. His words, not mine.
“Thank you, Zane. For always being there for me back then. I won’t say I wish things had worked out differently because that’s not what this is.”And it’s not fair to Nathan.“But I will always wish you well.”
“Right back at you, B. Only Idowish things were different. For all of us.”
After Zane’s gone, I wander aimlessly for twenty minutes before heading to my car, willing myself not to glance around the parking lot in case he’s still there.
What a fucking mess.
I bark out a hysterical laugh as the vision of that mother’s horrified expression comes to mind. That’s not me. I’m not the girl who cusses loudly in public, or argues with teenagers seeking a moment with a football star.
Being around Zane makes me crazy, and at some point, I have to admit that’s my fault, not his. I thought Nathan was wrong, that none of my doubts stem from Zane, because I was questioning my life before I ran into him. Now, I’m not so sure. Zane brings up feelings from my past that I’d buried deep long ago, and as confusing as that might be, I can’t help wondering—like he said—if maybe itmeanssomething that he’s back. Not that I’ll ever admit that to him.
Guilt plagues me as I think about Nathan. He may not be an innocent party in all this, but if I was trying harder, it’s possible there’d only be cracks between us, instead of a break beyond repair.
My head aches and I massage my temples as a text comes through.
Nathan, right on time.
Nathan: Thinking of you. I miss you so much
My guilt thickens and the tightness in my chest intensifies. I never gave him a chance. Maybe if he knew everything I was feeling, he’d step up. He has been messaging and calling every few hours since I walked out our door. I have to give him credit for that.
