“Of course you weren’t.” I wink and step out of his grasp. “Anyway, takeout?”
“Wait. What happened? What crazy employer didn’t want to work with you?” His expression holds all the concern he can muster, and yet, I’m not convinced that it’s genuine.
“Another hospital.” I sigh. “I thought the world was desperate for nurses. But apparently, they only want nurses with a minimum of five years’ experience, and I’m short a few years.”
“This could be good for your studies though. You could get your master’s degree in psychology. You still want that, right?”
If only. I would love more than anything to get my master’s but… “I can’t afford to do that. I’d need money to live while I’m studying.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Nathan’s so excited by that prospect that I bite back my groan.
“Nathan. We’ve had this conversation.”
“We have. But I want to discuss it again. Don’t think of it as a free ride. You’d be helping me by cooking and cleaning.”
I shiver uncontrollably. I’ve been there and the thought of going back—to being that dependent again—makes my stomach churn. There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife, and if I had kids, I’d probably want to be home with them. But the thought of being Nathan’s stay-at-home girlfriend doesn’t sit well with me. It was hard enough when he supported me during my final year at college.
I want to help provide for my family. Even if it’s just the two of us. I have no problems with Nathan outearning me because I’mnever going to make the kind of money he does. But I want to earn my keep.
“It’s not a bad thing staying at home to support your partner.” Nathan lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Plenty of wives and girlfriends do it.”
“It’s not a bad thing, but it’s notmything.”
“Think of the positives—you could come to all my games, travel with me. We’d see each other more. Sleep in the same bed, instead of you falling asleep on the couch.”
His brows furrow and I wince. “I know. Iknow. But I enjoy working. Please let me have that.” It’s all I’ve got.
Nathan sighs and I pause, waiting for his reaction. “You’re right. I’m sure something will come up. In the meantime, I’ll keep thinking good thoughts.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“What about tacos for dinner?” He changes the subject without so much as a moment of silence. “I’ll grab them from that place down the road?”
“Sounds perfect.” I smile, looking forward to the reprieve as much as the food.
Nathan presses another kiss to my cheek, and I hold my smile until he walks out the door.
What a mess.This is supposed to be a new beginning for me, and yet, it feels like the end.
After another rejection call the following morning, I get dressed for a hike and leave Nathan a note, setting off toward a popular walking track, since I’m not familiar with the area yet.
When I pull into the dirt-laden parking lot, I take a deep breath as I jump out of the car, soaking up the warmth from the sun, letting the fresh air fill my lungs while I run through my mantra.
Let the earth heal me and the solace give me the peace I need to move forward.
My eyes drift shut and I’m taken back to the beaches of Florida and the walking trails surrounding them, to the sounds of the trees rustling in the breeze, the waves crashing in the distance.
And for the briefest of moments, my heart fills with joy.
My psychologist suggested this mantra after Sierra died, and to this day, it’s the only thing that works.
Because of that, I’ve kept this part of my life to myself. Nathan knows I hike, but it’s not something that interests him so I’m thankful he’s never asked to come. This is my time to heal. To forget. To justbe. I’m a mess without it.
Stretching out my calves and hips, I grab the physical map I bought so I don’t have to rely on cell service and take off in the direction of the mountains, ready to work up a sweat.
With every step, the tightness in my chest eases, and by the time I’m at the summit, I can breathe again.
Only now that I’m able to focus on something other than the path in front of me, the past few months flash through my mind, the images firing like an old film projector seconds before it explodes into nothing, and the happiness burns away.
