The light peeking through the crack in the door of my childhood bedroom dims just after two a.m., telling me my parents have finally gone to bed.
But even after being bathed in darkness, my eyes still won’t close.
If they’d just let me see Zane yesterday, I would have felt better right now. The unknown is killing me. Though not as much as it’s likely to be killing him.
He doesn’t deserve this. Not now, with everything else that’s going on. Not ever.
I don’t think I’ve met someone more misunderstood in my life, and it’s going to be the end of him. There’s only so much more he can handle. If he hasn’t already reached his limit.
My phone vibrates across the counter of my light green nightstand, and I rush to grab it, my heart erratic in my chest despite knowing it isn’t going to be him.
Hayley’s name lights up my screen, and I don’t know why, but it momentarily calms me.
HAYLEY: We’ve landed safely
HAYLEY: Shit, I just remembered the time difference. I hope this didn’t wake you
HAYLEY: I’ll call you in the morning
BLAIR: I’m awake. I can’t see myself sleeping at all tonight. Thank you for coming so quickly. It means a lot to both of us
HAYLEY: Of course. Want to meet us at our hotel? I’m happy to pull an all-nighter
A small smile tugs at my lips. I really hope this is the start of a lifelong friendship, because I already love Hayley. Which is why I’m not going to bring down her happiness.
BLAIR: Thank you for the offer, but I’m shit company at the moment
HAYLEY: I understand. We’re here if you change your mind. Otherwise, we’ll see you in the morning
BLAIR: Thank you
I’m beyond curious about who she’s referring to when she says “we” but I don’t ask. I’ll find out in the morning. Which would come faster if I could just fall asleep.
After trying a bunch of different strategies from singing to counting sheep and then imagining my body getting heavier, I’m up before the sun, dressed and ready to go before my parents—a rarity growing up. Dad’s internal alarm has been set for dawn since he was a football star, and Mom learned to live on less sleep because Cade and I always woke her up. If she gets a solid seven hours, her body won’t let her sleep any longer.
I can usually sleep until my alarm goes off. Except last night. I’m not sure I slept a wink.
The cardinals singing outside grab my attention, and I watch them splash around the pond in the yard, knowing that any second now, my dad will be walking down the stairs, his footsteps heavy as he undoubtedly whistles a tune in return.
It used to piss me off. Cade too. We hated being woken by the birds, with Dad singing along. But now, I’m waiting for it, waiting for the moment I’m no longer alone.
Only this time, he’s not so chirpy.
“Morning,” he grates from the hallway when he finds me in the dining room. “How’d you sleep?”
“I didn’t.”
Dad’s already sullen face drops. “You and me both, Princess. But today is going to be better. I can feel it.”
I try to smile, to share in his optimism, but I’m not feeling it, and he doesn’t deserve my lies. “I wish I felt the same.”
“How about you go for a walk and clear your head, enjoy some peace.”
As wonderful as that sounds… “I can’t. Zane needs me here and I’m not abandoning him again.”
“When did you abandon him?”
“When Sierra died. I told him to leave.”
