Today, I ride a mechanical reindeer and smile like my whole world isn't on fire.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Everett
Caleband I stand at the edge of the staging area, staring at the mechanical monstrosity.
Red nose. Antlers. A saddle that looks like it was designed by someone who's never seen a reindeer or a bull or basic human dignity.
Grammie Bea’s orange scarf she made for Roman tied around its neck.
“Beautiful, isn't she?” Caleb sighs like he's watching a sunset. “I think I'll call her Vixen.”
“I think I'll call my lawyer.”
“Don't be dramatic. You two are gonna look great together. Really capture that man-meets-machine magic. Just think,” Caleb says dreamily. “Mount Everett, mounting Rudolph. The hashtags write themselves.”
“I will end you.”
“#MountEverettMountsVixen. We're going to break the internet.”
“I'm going to break your face.”
“Sogrumpy today. Ink is barely dry on the transfer papers and you’re already turning into your father, all ornery and shit.”
The sound that echoes from the depths of my soul, until now, has only been heard in movies and makes Caleb’s mouth snap shut.
I have never—in twenty years of friendship with this man—been closer to telling him the truth. Because nothing would make me happier in this moment than shocking him into silence and making him wither on the spot simultaneously.
Bonus points if I painted a colorful enough picture to put his boners on moratorium for at least a year.
You want to know why I'm so fucking ornery?
Because my father's worst moment is playing on loop for strangers who've already decided I'm a fraud. Because the internet thinks I abandoned my family, stole my friends' money, and came crawling back for scraps. Because I'm about to ride a mechanical reindeer for the same cameras that gutted me this morning.
And on top of all that?
Because it was even more of a mindfuck on the heels of having three fingers inside your sister last night while you pitched a sexy Santa campaign three feet away.
That's right, my guy. I fingered your sister right in front of you and you watched her come all over said fingers.
And I've been rock hard ever since. Sure, I could rub one out, but you know what... I'm saving every last drop I've got so I can put every last bit in your sister.
How do you like me now?
Still care about whether or not I take a ride on old Rudolph?
You want viral content? That's viral content.
“Caleb?”
“Uh, not sure I should speak.”
Astute of him to finally notice.
“When this is all over, I’m going to bury you under the Shred Shack.”
Eight seconds.
