"We're engaged. We're getting married in a few weeks. We're... getting to know each other?" She says it like a question, uncertain.
"Is that what you call it? Getting to know each other?"
"What would you call it?" She challenges back.
"I don't know. That's exactly why I'm asking you."
She sets down her fork with deliberate care, reaching for her wine glass. She takes a long sip, clearly gathering her thoughts. "Okay. You're right. We should talk about this honestly."
Relief floods through me. Finally, we're getting somewhere. "Good. Because I think we need to establish some boundaries, some understanding of—"
"I made a plan." She stands abruptly, walking to her tote bag.
"A plan?" I watch her with growing concern.
"Yes. For going forward, for our future together." She pulls out a laptop from her bag. "I put together some materials to help us communicate better. Do you mind if I use your table?"
"Materials? What kind of materials?"
But she's already opening the laptop. The screen faces directly toward me.
It's a PowerPoint presentation with professional formatting.
The title slide reads in bold letters: PHYSICAL INTIMACY SCHEDULE - MARCELLO MARRIAGE
I stare at it, my brain struggling to process what I'm seeing. "What is that?"
"A schedule for our physical relationship." She clicks to the next slide with obvious enthusiasm. "I've been thinking a lot about our intimate life together, and I realized we need structure. Organization. Clear expectations."
The next slide is a detailed calendar, color-coded with different shaded time blocks.
"See? Tuesdays at 9am, Thursdays at 8pm, and Saturday mornings if you book in advance through the online system I'm setting up." She points to different colored blocks with genuine excitement. "Blue is for scheduled intimacy. Green is for spontaneous encounters if we both agree. Red is blocked off for my cycle, obviously."
I can't speak. My brain has completely stopped processing information.
"I know 9am on Tuesday seems early," she continues earnestly, "but I read an article in a women's magazine that said morning intimacy increases productivity and improves mood for the entire day. And Tuesdays are ideal because we're both fresh from the weekend but not too tired yet from the work week."
"You scheduled sex," I finally manage to say. "On a spreadsheet. With time blocks."
"It's more of a calendar system with an integrated booking feature, but yes. I think it's important to plan these things carefully. Especially after marriage." She clicks to another slide with obvious pride. "I also built in buffer time for spontaneity, but I'll need 24 hours advance notice for anything outside the scheduled windows."
"Twenty-four-hours notice." I'm just repeating her words now, unable to form original thoughts.
"For spontaneous intimacy, yes. That way I can prepare myself mentally and physically. Maybe do some grooming, pick out nice lingerie, that sort of thing."
I'm having a stroke. I must be having a stroke. This can't be real.
"Liana—"
"Oh, and I have a cancellation policy." Another slide appears. "If you need to cancel within 12 hours of a scheduled time, we'll need to reschedule within the same week to maintain our intimacy quota. Otherwise, it rolls over to the next month's availability."
"Next month's availability." My brain has completely given up trying to understand.
"Exactly! I'm so glad you understand the system." She beams at me with genuine pleasure. "Now, let's talk about birth control options."
"Let's absolutely not do that."
"We should!" She pulls out an actual physical folder from her bag. "I did extensive research. Here's a detailed comparison chart."
