I take a long drink of espresso before answering. "I need to tell you something." They all look at me. "About Liana," I continue.
"Oh, this is gonna be good." Paulie sets down his phone, full attention on me now. "What'd she do?"
Where do I even start?
"The other night. At Marconi's." I set down my cup. "She ordered a salad. Plain lettuce. Said she was on a diet."
"Okay?" Bruno waits.
"Then she ate my entire steak. Twenty-four ounces. All of it."
Silence.
"What do you mean she ate your steak?" Tommy asks.
"I mean she asked for one bite. Then another bite. Then kept asking until there was no steak left." I can feel my jawclenching just remembering it. "And every time she took a piece, she put lettuce on my plate. Like a trade."
Paulie starts laughing. "She traded you lettuce for steak?"
"It's not funny,” I snap at him.
"It's a little funny, boss."
"She ate four desserts." I talk over his laughter. "Four. After claiming she was too full to eat. She ordered them for me, then ate every single one herself."
"Four desserts?" Sal raises his eyebrows. "What kind?"
"Why the fuck does it matter? Tiramisu, chocolate cake, panna cotta, cannoli. Gone. All of it."
"Maybe she was hungry," Tommy suggests.
"She said she was on a diet. That’s why she only ordered lettuce."
"Women say a lot of things about diets," Sal says. "Doesn't mean they stick to them. Don’t listen to one damn word they ever say about diets. It’s all lies."
"Then she drank half my cognac," I continue. "While explaining some reality show about people named Tyler and Madison and someone getting eliminated."
Bruno's trying not to smile. "She drank your cognac."
"Yes."
"And told you about a reality show."
"Yes."
"Boss," Paulie says carefully. "Did you eat anything at this dinner?"
"No. I stopped at a burger place on the way home and ate in my car like some kind of criminal because I was starving."
Now they're all trying not to laugh.
"You spent what, four, five hundred bucks on dinner and left hungry?" Sal shakes his head. "That's rough."
"That's not even the worst part." I lean back in my chair. "Last night. Dinner at my parents' house."
"Oh no." Bruno sounds concerned now. "What happened?"
"She offered to have my grandmother move in with us."
