Then, before I can process what's happening, she cuts off a chunk of her lettuce and deposits it on my plate.
I stare at it. "What are you doing?"
"Trading!" She says it like it's obvious. "You gave me steak, I give you lettuce. Fair is fair!"
"That's not—" I stop. "You know what? Fine."
She goes back to her salad. I go back to my steak. Everything's fine. For about two minutes.
"Can I have another bite?" she asks. “I’m sorry, but it’s so good.”
"Another one?"
"Only one more! I promise. Then I'll stop."
I cut another piece. Hand it over. She eats it with the same appreciation, then immediately cuts another chunk of lettuce and plops it onto my plate.
"There! Even trade."
My plate now has two pieces of plain lettuce sitting next to my steak and vegetables. This is insane.
"You don't have to—"
"Oh, but I do!" She's very serious about this. "I can't just take without giving something back. That would be rude. I’m a giver, not a taker. Everyone says so. Please let me share."
I'm starting to realize the lettuce situation is going to get worse. I take another bite. She watches. Then launches into a story.
"So, I've been watching this show? The Bachelor spin-off? And oh my God, you won't believe what happened in last night's episode."
"Liana—"
"There's this girl, Brittany, and she's been fighting with Madison since week two, right? And Madison is totally there for the wrong reasons, everyone can see it, but the lead, Tyler, he's completely blind to it." She pauses to ask, "Can I have one more bite?"
Before I can answer, she's already reaching for my fork. Takes a substantial piece of steak. Chews it while continuing her story.
"So anyway, Brittany decides she's going to tell Tyler about Madison, but then Jenna gets involved—oh, hold on."
She cuts off another hunk of lettuce. Puts it on my plate. I now have a small pile of plain lettuce next to my diminishing steak.
"Where was I? Oh right, so Jenna tells Madison that Brittany's planning to snitch, and Madison goes nuclear. Like, full meltdown. Crying, mascara everywhere, the whole thing."
"That sounds—" I try to interrupt.
"And then," she takes another bite of my steak without asking this time, "Tyler walks in during the fight and asks what's going on, and Madison lies! She says Brittany attacked her for no reason!"
More lettuce appears on my plate.
This pattern continues. She talks. She takes bites of my steak, increasingly larger bites. She deposits lettuce on my plate like she's paying rent. And the story keeps going.
"In the end, Tyler believes Madison, and Brittany gets sent home, and I'm just sitting there screaming at the TV because it's so obvious Madison is manipulating him, but does he see it? No. Men never see it. Never."
She looks at my plate. At what's left of my steak. Which is maybe three bites.
"Oh my God, did I eat too much? I'm so sorry!"
I look down at my plate. At the mountain of plain lettuce she's carefully arranged next to the bones of what used to be my dinner.
"It's fine," I lie.
