He slowly walks over there, clears his voice, and says, “Is everything okay? You two looked deep in conversation.”
I step on the balls of my feet and kiss him on the lips. “Everything is fine.” I grab the board with a wide grin and head outside.
Because everything is fine, especially now that I found out we didn’t kiss.
Kai
The sun is setting, casting a warm, golden light that only deepens the shadows of the day. Another night, and I’m no closer to finding any clarity. Instead, the confusion is gripping me tighter with every passing hour. To make matters worse, I’ve had to sit through another evening watching Liam and Blakely be all over each other. Their hands intertwined, their heads leaning in close, as if they’re the only two people in the world. Every affectionate gesture between them feels like a punch to the gut. The way she laughs at his jokes. How he pulls her tightly to his body. It’s all becoming unbearable. Each day that passes with her still wrapped up in him makes my skin crawl.
If I wasn’t controlling my alcohol intake, I would be drowning myself in it right now. I usually only have one or two drinks, but here I am, on my third…whatever the fuck this is. A gin and tonic, I believe they called it. Who knows? I’ve neverbeen one for mixed drinks. Beer was always my prime choice. The only liquor I would throw down was whatever was in front of me at the time. Usually, that was vodka. I haven’t had liquor in a while, and this is getting to my head already.
Shit.
I’ve become a lightweight.
“Are you good, man? You’ve been keeping to yourself all day.”
I glance over my shoulder and find Kevin walking up behind me. “Yeah. I’m good.” The truth is, I’ve been keeping my distance so I don’t ruin this party and blurt out what I’ve been trying to figure out.
“How many of those have you had?” he asks.
I turn to fully face Kevin, keeping my back to everyone else. “This is my third.”
“I thought you usually stop after two.” His eyebrows knit together, questioning me.
“I do,” I say, swirling the drink and taking another sip.
“Okay. Talk to me. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m fine. I’m stopping after this one.” I’m still not as open as I should be. It’s hard talking about my feelings. It was hard talking about them when I was younger, and to this day, it’s still not as easy for me. That’s why I let so much time pass between Blakely and me. Growing up in a household where my parents argued all the time made me shut down. My therapist called it PTSD. Talking about my feelings makes me go into fight-or-flight mode, because I get nervous it will start an argument. I never realized this until she told me. Looking back now, it makes sense. So, here I am, trying.
“Let me know when you want to go home and—” Kevin stops mid-sentence. I glance up at him, seeing his eyes go wide and posture stiffen as he avoids eye contact with me, looking over my shoulder.
I turn around and find everyone standing there, hands covering their mouths. My eyes scan everyone, trying to find what they’re looking at. Then I see it. My whole body goes numb. The only noise I hear is the pounding of my heart racing through my chest.
No.
No.
No.
This can’t be happening.
Everyone jumps up and down and cheers. My eyes stay glued on Blakely as he lifts her up into his arms.
Hugging what’s mine.
What’s always been mine.
The burning sensation fills my eyes as I hold back my tears. Tears that I’ve always been so good at holding in. Now they want to come pouring out.
Kevin pats my back. He says something, but I can’t make out the words. The pounding in my heart is still going.
Everyone goes around, taking turns hugging them.
All I can think is.
What have I done?
