I shake my head. It’s been hard to cook. I know I need to eat more and eat healthier, but nothing sounds appetizing right now. I don’t know if it’s the stress of a new baby or what’s going on with my relationship or my hormones. During the day, I sleep a lot. I thought it was because of how sleep-deprived I am. My doctor told me it could be postpartum depression. I’d never heard of it before. Every day I learn something new, and every day it makes me understand my own mom a little more.
“Do you want to go get something to eat?”
My eyes dart to Kai, puzzled by his question. We haven’t gone on a date in a long time. Every time I ask, he says we need to save money. Sometimes all I want is to order takeout, so I don’t have to cook.
“What’s that look for?” he asks, his forehead creasing
“Don’t you want to save money?”
“We’ll be fine if we go out every once in a while.”
“Can we get takeout? I don’t want to wake her.”
“Sure,” he says and gets up off the floor. “Let me shower, and then I’ll go grab something.”
“Wow,how much food did you get?” I ask Kai as he walks in with two big bags of food.
“Uh, a little of everything.” He sets everything down on the floor in front of the couch and starts opening all the boxes. My lips curve into a smile. We used to do this all the time. Order takeout, eat it on the floor, and then curl up and watch a movie together. We called them ourpig-out nights. For us to try a little of everything, we would order so much off the menu. We never finish even half of the food, but it leaves us with leftovers for a few days.
Kai hands me a plate, and we both grab a spoonful of everything. We decided on Chinese takeout. Our usual order is sweet and sour shrimp, ham fried rice, kung pao chicken, and cream cheese wontons. It’s an inexpensive Chinese restaurant we found, and they dish out big servings.
“I miss this,” I say.
“Me too.”
“I missus.”
Kai sets his plate down on his lap. “What do you mean? We’re still anus.”
“I miss how it used to be. Some days you come home, and I feel you want nothing to do with me.” Tears well up in my eyes.
Kai places his hand in mine. “We keep fighting and I don’t want to say anything that will start a fight, so I stay quiet.”
“That’s not helpful at all. It kills me inside.”
“It kills me, too. Everything that has happened these past few months is killing me.” He takes a sip of his Coke.
“It doesn’t help that you keep going out.”
He runs his hand through his hair. “I get stressed, and I’m in my head too much, so I leave. I know I shouldn’t be drinking, but the alcohol helps me from thinking about everything.”
“What’s on your mind that has you so stressed?”
“This.” He waves his hands around. “This placeis way too small for us, but we can’t afford to get anything bigger and it's my fault. I want you to give Amari the world.”
I thought he was going to include his dad in this. I don’t think he knows how to deal with his feelings after losing him. Some days it seems he’s angry at the world, while on other days, he seems sad. But he hides his emotions from me. It's difficult to read him. It doesn’t help that he won’t talk about it. “I can get a part-time job in the evenings,” I offer.
He shakes his head. “No, I want you to be home with our daughter.” He takes a bite of his kung pao chicken. “I didn't realize how expensive it was going to be to start a business on top of all the other expenses we have now.” He wraps his arm around me. “Just know I’m trying, and one day we’ll have more than this.”
“I’m fine with what we have. As long as we’re together and happy.”
He kisses me on the forehead. “I got us a movie from Redbox.” He gets up and places the DVD in the DVD player.
I squeal when I seeThe Proposalplaying. “How did you know?”
“You said you wanted to go see it when it came out in theaters.”
I sit a little taller, surprised that he listened to me. When I said it to him, I assumed he didn’t pay attention. This is something I miss—Kai’s thoughtfulness. Leaning into him, I nestle my head on his shoulder, feeling a rush of comfort. He truly makes me happy. I know we’ve had a difficult few months, but everyone does.
