I'm praying my mom doesn’t have a heart attack if this is what she thinks he’s here for.
“That’s not it.” I pause.
Say it, Blakely.
Ripe off the Band-Aid.
Tell her.
I tear burns through my eyes and slides down my cheek. “I’m pregnant.” My heart sinks as I stare into her eyes. She stills.
“What the fuck!” she yells and turns away from us as herentire body shakes. She turns back around with both eyes red and watery. With a trembling hand, she points toward me. “What the hell has gotten into you? This is not how I raised you. Is it him?”
“Don’t blame him,” I say in a choppy voice, trying not to cry.
“Then what? Because before you met him you were not sneaking out, drinking, or having sex.”
“Mrs. Leigh, I’m going to do everything in my power to raise this family of ours,” Kai says.
She snorts. “You two think you’re so grown. You’re still in high school.” She backs up onto the couch. “Oh, my God. I can’t do this,” she says, holding her hands to her chest.
My face and neck are wet from all the tears I’m unable to contain. The pain in my mom’s eyes is one I’ve never seen before. Even when she and my dad split. I’m this big of a disappointment.
“How are you guys going to do this? You have nothing to your name!”
“Kai has a job. He works after school. We bought a car and?—”
“You two bought a car? With what money?” she asks, cutting me off.
“Kai’s.”
“Do you realize how much goes into raising a family? You need more than a damn car.”
“Life isn’t about material things.” I swallow hard.
She tilts her head toward us. “I know it isn’t. But you at least need the basic materials to survive. The basic materials that will help raise a healthy baby.” She sits down on the couch, her head hangs low in her hands. “Why do you think I split from your father?” she asks, looking back up at me.
“Because of his drinking.”
“Yes. And because he wasn’t a good example for you guys. I didn’t want you to follow his footsteps. I did everything in my power to try and get him to understand that, but he chose his alcohol over his family. So I let him go. Not only that but his alcoholism stopped him from being the husband and father he was in the early days. I struggled so much with him. He made it harder to raise you and Bryn. I let him go, not only for me, but for you guys, too. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. And the hard part did not stop me from letting him go. I struggled for years to make ends meet. I hid all of that from you guys. I woke up exhausted every single day, but I kept going because I had to. Do you understand that, Blakely? Do you understand how hard it is going to be? Not only to keep your relationship going but to keep yourself going so you can raise a baby.”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“I don’t think you do. You’ve had a pretty good life because I put up with the struggle so you guys wouldn't have to. That’s what a parent does for their kids.”
“I just want to be with Kai and our family,” I plead.
She looks at me and wipes her tears. “I know you do. But you’re both so young. You don’t know what you’re getting yourselves into. I made it clear that I won’t be raising another kid. I struggled so hard with the two of you. I can’t do it again. And I won’t. I love you Blakely, but I just can’t,” she says, her tone more resolved now.
It’s the tone I heard when she finally had it with my dad.
And now, she’s finally had it with me.
Christmas Day 2009
Kai leans into my neck and whispers, “Merry Christmas.”
I stir in my sleep, opening my eyes. Light is shining in from the window, helping my mood. The past week has been cloudy, with no sun, and snowstorm after snowstorm. That weather didn’t help my depressed mood. I’m glad to see some light shine down on us.
