“Doesn’t mean we would.”
I drop the conversation at the sound of my rumbling stomach. I haven’t eaten all day—except for that piece of bacon that took me all morning to nibble on.
“Let’s go eat, then. You sound hungry, and you haven’t bothered to eat anything today,” Paige says.
Wow. The rumbling must have been louder than I thought.
“B, when are we going to talk?” Kai quietly asks as he sits next to me on our bed. He just placed Amari down in her crib to sleep. I felt this coming, but I don’t think I’m ready for it. It’s all been said before.
It’s been a week since I kicked Kai out. He’s been coming over every day after work to spend time with Amari. Every day that he has come over, I lock myself in our room and do my packets. The nice thing is that he bathes Amari and gets her ready for bed. I’ve walked in on him rocking her to sleep a few times now. When I see that, my heart stings. All I want is for him to come back so we can be a family again. But I can’t keep putting myself through this.
“There’s not much more to talk about that hasn’t been said already,” I say.
I haven’t had the strength to talk to him. I’m so tired of everything, and I’m sick of repeating myself. He knows what he needs to do. Instead, all he wants to do is repeat the same words I’ve already heard.
“Then can you listen to me?”
“There’s not much more you can say, either. It’s your actions that need to change, not your words.”
“Then let me prove it to you.” He puts his hand on mythigh, causing goosebumps to run up my leg. His touch still gives me butterflies. I wish I could hate that, but I don’t.
“For what? For a few months and then you’re off doing your same bullshit again.”
“No.”
“You need to work on yourself before you work on this relationship. I can’t keep being caught in the crossfire of your feelings. It’s not fair to me, and it certainly isn’t fair to Amari.”
His forehead creases. “What does that mean? Are you leaving me?”
“What? No.” I pause. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
I’ve been contemplating what I should do. I can’t help the ache I get every time I think about us and our family not being together. My head says one thing, and my heart feels another.
“Blakely, please don’t do this. I can’t live without you. I can’t live without us. I can’t live without Amari. Our family. You know that, don’t you?”
I blink back my tears that are trying to fall. I’m so torn about what to do. “I need more time,” I say, my voice shaking.
He lifts his head and stares right at me. “More time for what?”
“To think about things.”
“Do you need more time to think about if you want to leave me or not?”
I remain silent, thinking of his words. It’s not as simple as it seems, but it’s what I’ve been questioning. Do I want this still?ShouldI want this still? Will he hurt me again? Can I trust him? There are so many uncertainties. I need time to sit with my thoughts to untangle all the questions that run through my mind. I don’t want to give up on us. But would it really bemegiving up on us? Then I think, what’s the difference betweenthis and me leaving him? It’s not like he’s here half the time. When he is here, he’s checked out a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m already a single mom in a relationship. It’s not fair to me.
“If you want things to work, you need to give me more time,” I say sternly.
He nods his head, stands, kisses Amari on the head, and walks out. My tears fall harder at the sound of the front door shutting. It’s almost as if theclickof the door gave me permission to let it all out.
I don’t want to cry over this again, but I don’t have a choice.
“Doyou want to go out somewhere today?” Kai asks.
It’s Saturday morning, two weeks after the New Year.
Two weeks after I kicked Kai out.
