I stretched in the chair, my shoulder cracking. “I need a good workout. The construction work is great, but it’s such an uneven use of muscles that they end up strained.”
“Can you hit a gym to balance it out?”
“I was looking for one around here but—” I sighed, recalling my latest attempt at doing just that. “Remember when you guys asked me what brought me to Randy’s that day?”
“Yeah, you were upset, but never told me about what.”
“I panicked at the local gym.” At Charlie’s surprised expression, I elaborated. “I’m used to the bro culture in the gym back home, but I thought it would be different in a big city. I’m ashamed to admit the ‘boys-will-be-boys’ jokes didn’t botherme much for years. It was just how it was. Then I went into construction work, and it was one dick measuring contest after another. Talking about pussies, as if they weren’t attached to people. I nod and want to run away. It’s like that every day.”
“Sorry, that’s fucked up.”
“I can’t imagine what you must have gone through. Thinking about it fucks with my head.”
“It wasn’t easy, but becoming my true self was more important to me than some idiot’s opinions and attempts at bullying. Besides, I had my family and friends who accepted me.”
“Makes me so happy when you say that.” I raised my glass to his and took a few sips. “Maybe I’m overreacting, but after my little sister came out as a lesbian last year, every homophobic comment feels like a jab at me, my family, and my values. It’s like a dam that has been holding my own sexuality and real views, finally broke. Louise is packing up her stuff to move here too, but what’s the point if it’s not any better here than at home?”
“When is Louise coming over?” Charlie leaned forward. “She must be what? About twenty?”
“Yup, twenty-one next month. She’ll celebrate her birthday with her friends, then come over here. How fucked up am I to actively despise the toxicity only after it directly touched me and my family?”
“You understand it now, and that’s what matters. We all learn as we go.”
I wiped my hands on my shorts. “Sorry, I got verbal diarrhea, and I’m talking about myself again.”
“Don’t ever apologize for that.” Charlie’s stern tone was full of warmth. “You shared really important stuff and I’m grateful. And I’m so proud of you for drawing those conclusions on your own. You don’t have to hide from me, Cupcake.”
I bit my lip to keep it from trembling until I tasted blood. My chest felt open and raw, but I had to get everything out. “If I can’teven fit with the muscle himbos, where am I supposed to fit? How can I help my sister find a place here?”
“Breathe.” Charlie nudged my beer my way, and I took a sip.
“Sorry. Sometimes I overreact. I feel uncomfortable in crowds or in unpredictable situations.” I didn’t want to call it anxiety, even though my childhood therapist had said it was exactly that.
“Does anything help? Apart from the lollipops.”
“It’s that obvious, huh?” I reached for Charlie’s hand over the table. “Familiar touch helps. It grounds me.”
Charlie smoothed a thumb over my knuckles. “I’ll remember that. And you make a really cute muscle himbo.”
My cheeks heated. “If you say so.” My hand in Charlie’s felt like it belonged there. I let my gaze roam from his forearm to his biceps. It wasn’t big, but Charlie’s body and how he moved told me he was active. “Do you work out?”
“Yeah, but nothing too hardcore. Sabrina used to have some equipment in her basement but she had to get rid of it as she’s selling the house soon. So I’m screwed and so is Trixie. Lately, I’ve been going on longer walks, and Trixie installed a pull-up bar at her door frame, but that’s not the same.”
“I wish we could all go to a gym where it wouldn’t be a place to get buff, but a safe space to be who you are. It’s shit that these thoughts came to me only after I realized I’m more than an ally—I’m on the flag itself.”
“It’s never too late to embrace who you are. And every journey is different.”
“Yeah. I told you I did a lot of research. And boy, was it an interesting month.”
Charlie leaned forward. “Don’t make me stop you from telling me. I’m all ears.”
I looked at my empty glass. I had only had three beers, but I felt like my tongue was looser than usual. And that said a lot.For the first time since forever, I truly believed that the person sitting across from me wanted to listen to what I had to say.
“Between several porn websites, I scrolled through all pairings, and in each one I found some category or video that spoke to me and my dick.”
“What was your favorite?” Charlie’s smirk and the clear interest in his gaze gave me confidence.
The blush on my face had to have reached my ears but I could blame it on alcohol. “I had several. A big guy being railed into the mattress by a smaller one. Those were hard to find. I liked the ones with restraints and dildos. Fuck, I was so horny one night and—” I snorted. “I’ll spare you the details.”
