His kiss lifted me in the air as if we truly were flying. There was no glass, no constraints. Just Beck and I, kissing in public. His soft lips pressed against mine represented everything I needed in my life. Warmth, understanding, and Beck. Tension left me, and I held on to Beck as if I might fall through the glass floor.
I pulled away to release a chuckle of relief. I took a moment to breathe, pulling myself together after the emotional roller coaster my mind had putme through.
Then I kissed him again, short and sweet, before I rested my forehead against his.
A loud sound of someone clearing their throat way too close to us startled me. My cheeks heated as my gaze landed on a guy in a Chicago T-shirt from the gift shop downstairs and a family of four on his heels.
“Sorry,” I said, even though I wasn’t.
Beck’s amused snort triggered my giggle of insanity. I grabbed his hand, and we ran toward the elevator like teenagers caught groping behind bleachers. The ride down, squished between people, was a test of our poker faces.
We didn’t have those.
I couldn’t stop grinning, and Beck shared my sentiment as I attempted not to vibrate out of my skin in the cramped space packed with tourists. Like jack-in-the-boxes, we popped out of the elevator and ran to the exit. The chill of the evening breeze cooled my cheeks as we stepped outside the building.
“Can I—?” I grazed his knuckles with mine, fully aware we hadn’t discussed anything yet. Not what we were to each other and not even if holding hands in public was something we did now.
“Yeah.” Beck intertwined our fingers, and a warm tingling ran up my arm, settling in my chest.
I searched his expression and didn’t find dread in it. Maybe a dash of fear. The same kind that swam in me. Thiswas all so new to both of us—exploring our sexuality as adults. It felt as if we stood on stage with lights aimed at us, yet when I glanced around, no one was staring, snickering, or shaking their heads. On a busy sidewalk in downtown Chicago, people didn’t care if two men held hands.
Except for me. I cared a fucking lot.
“Did you plan the kiss?” I bumped my shoulder into Beck’s as we headed toward the Riverwalk.
“I hoped for a magical moment, but in the end, it just sort of happened. Why?”
“I was sweating buckets waiting for you. I thought you’d brought me there to break it all off.” I squeezed his hand. “Whatever this is.” I swallowed hard, but we were out of the woods now. Right?
“What? Why would you think that?” Beck looked at me, but I stared ahead, unable to face him. I found the modern buildings around us very fascinating to look at instead.
“Just being realistic. It’s what I learned to expect.” I shrugged, even as the weight of my past relationships hunched my shoulders. “Usually, I would have fun with someone, hoping the relationship was steady when things were going well, and that’s when the breakup would come. And with you—with us—not being out, the odds were even worse. When you took my hand, I thought you were giving me one last good memory…” My stomach flip-flopped. “I would never want you to come out whenyou’re not ready. So the kiss was a big surprise, and this”—I swung our clasped hands—“is an even bigger one.”
“It’s not easy for me either. I have to admit I wondered if you treated what we had seriously. You, the pretty boy with a lighthearted attitude. You’re a people pleaser. Which is great, but you admitted that if I wasn’t there, you’d agree to go to that wedding with your ex. So there was this constant voice in the back of my head telling me you’d just fuck off somewhere with someone else on a whim.”
The truth hurt, and my automatic reaction was to laugh it off, but instead, I squeezed his hand, and I forced myself to think of an actual reply. We walked along office buildings on Franklin Street, people passing us in a hurry, oblivious to the crisis in my head. Making an issue seem smaller than it was had been a strategy that let me shrug off losing friends or girlfriends over time. And maybe, one day, someone would take a chance on me. I cared about Beck too much to hide any part of me from him. He was the first person who let me feel he could accept me for who I was, insecurities and all.
“If I turn everything into a joke and brush off breakups like they’re nothing, people won’t notice how much it all hurts me. I’d never do that to you because I know how it feels. One girl wanted me as a fucktoy. The other to show me to her parents so they’d stop pestering her about being single. Another brought me to campwith her so other guys wouldn’t bother her and ended up fucking someone else in our tent.”
“Whoa, wait. She what?” Beck pulled on my hand, but I waved a hand in dismissal. I didn’t want to dig deeper into wounds I worked so hard to heal, even if the scabs were still there and they hurt when poked.
“It’s not important. No one ever took me seriously. Or I was never boyfriend material for some reason. I mean, I’m not a catch, but—” I shrugged.
“You’re the biggest catch I’ve had.”
I met his gaze, lifted an eyebrow, and we both burst out laughing.
We walked in comfortable silence, filled with the ruckus of downtown’s nightlife and restaurants. The evening lights of the Riverwalk illuminated our path and the calm waters as we passed joggers and strolling couples. Were we a couple now? I had so many questions. We reached the steps of The River Theater, and I plopped onto the concrete, pulling Beck with me. The tiered seating area was deserted at this time, with only several people on the far side of the big stairs.
“You don’t have to turn difficult topics into jokes when you’re with me, you know?” Beck said, his voice clear in the open space.
“It’s hard not to. Being honest without analyzing what anyone would think if I say something… is terrifying. I don’t want people to hate me or pull away. Especially you.”
“Hey, hey, I’m not going anywhere.” His hair danced in the breeze, and I smoothed it back, trailing my fingers through it. Beck caught my hand and pressed it to his lips.
With no boat tours in sight, the river was quiet, but the beating of my heart was not.
“I never really argued with my girlfriends. You saw I’m still friends with most of them. We had fun and laughed, so I never figured out what was wrong, and I couldn’t predict when they’d dump me.”
