So, whenever the trigger came, I could see him slow down and assess.
“I can feel your skin Jack,” he told me one time we were sitting on his balcony, his hands in mine, curled tight to my side, and the shadows started to fall with night. “I can smell the snow, and the trees, you, and your drink,” he had told me, picking out what was the here and now, as his eyes still searched the shadows. “But, I can also see . . ..” And he trailed off, but I knew.
He avoided large crowds, because he found himself checking faces to the point I could feel the anxiety building up in him. But, last week he had gone back to the hospital for his follow-up treatment with no problems until it was time to go. The exit would have taken him by the locker room for staff, and he had simply looked at me and Bannon when we approached that part of the hallway and shook his head, so we left in another direction.
Bishop had mentioned a therapy dog, one that would help ground him when that was needed, and I knew Perrin enough to know he was interested.
Perrin threw himself into getting stronger, and I knew from my own experience he would come back to himself - maybe a little different from the experience, but still himself. I just had to be patient, and if skiing, and yoga, and hours in the gym got Perrin through this, then I would be right there each time. Or my brothers would. As Perrin recovered and I knew he could rely on Matt and Quinn at yoga, or Baylor for a run, it felt like it wasn’t just me trying to steer the ship.
And those weight-lifting sessions on his lower body had done their job. Ititwas early morning, but thinking about the extra muscle on his thighs turns me the fuck on. Not to mention his head was nestled on my abs, my morning wood pressing into the side of his neck.
Jesus Christ, that’s a picture.
I slid out of bed, taking my raging boner for my boyfriend under the hot spray of the shower in his condo, stroking myself off to the images of the man in the bed I had just left. Perrin always had a long, lean, and feline nature to his body, but now that he hadadded a bit of bulky gym-muscle, it was driving me insane. I wanted him on that same level I always had, but I would be damned if I would derail his recovery.
Suddenly, before I could register the rush of cold air in the bathroom, I felt his eyes on me, watching. My head jerked up in surprise, meeting the dark, yet golden-tinged gaze.
“You think I don’t know what you sound like, Jack?” Perrin asked in a low, ragged tone and I realized that maybe I wasn’t as quiet under the hot spray as I thought I was. His gaze ran over my body and I knew that lust-filled gaze as well as I knew my own name. I had fallen into it so many times that I recognized it immediately, although there was something else there too. Fear, maybe. Apprehension.
He only had on thin pajama pants, and I could easily see that he was rock hard. I had felt his arousal many times in the past week, but I was so afraid of pushing him, of doing the thing that derailed him from truly, and fully, coming back to me I hadn’t said anything, hadn’t acted on it, despite my own raging need to be with him in that way. I had flirted or teased and avoided.
He came into the shower, taking his pants off, and I was glad of the waterproof cast as I moved to let him in.
“Sorry, I can’t touch you, Jack,” he said, looking at the cast.
He looked so vulnerable that I cupped his face, bringing our bodies together, and moaning against him at just the briefest of contact of our hard cocks sliding against one another.
Perrin against me was always fucking delicious.
Suddenly, I realized that he didn’t even have this, the ability to touch himself. There was no way the state of his hands would allow it.
“Lips, Perrin,” I said kissing him until he moaned against me, hips jutting out. “Fingertips,” I said again, before coming back to his lips, mentioning the fingertips that brushed against my ass lightly. “You are touching me,” I assured him.
He pulled back, his eyes as dark as I had ever seen them. “You want me to?” Perrin asked me, for the first time in the entirety of our relationship, unsure of whether I wanted his touch.
“Of course I do,” I breathed, tickling the inside of this thigh with my extremely hard arousal. “But, I need you to want to, I don’t want to push . . .” the rest of whatever I was going to say was lost as he immediately used his body to push me against the wall of the shower and then he brought his lips against mine, and I was already seeing stars dim my vision.
“I didn’t know, if - you . . . didn’t want me - after,” he said, into my neck. “You don’t have to, if . . .”
I knew what he meant, it was so similar to my own fear so long ago about telling him my past. So I shook my head emphatic in my denial of what he was afraid of.
“Not possible,” I said, sealing my mouth over his until he was giving as good as I was giving. “Never not want you, Perrin,” I said. “I love you.”
His mouth quirked up in a smile that was so bright it was clouded onlyby the dark desire in his eyes.
“I just don't want to push you, this needs tohappenwhen you are ready, P. No other time-table.” A lot of what had gone on withPerrinand Holden had been about power and sex. He was in therapy, but I needed to make sure he was ready for more.
“Ready. Been ready. Please,” he whispered into my mouth. “Please touch me, Jack. I need . . . make me come.”
Although I knew his request wasn’t strictly literal, I moved to run a soapy hand down both of our dicks together, and he moaned into my mouth as I changed our positions to put him against the wall and me standing between those muscled thighs I had been dreaming about.
“Not going to last,” I warned him, the tingles of an orgasm already starting.
“Me either,” he breathed in an accented, heavy voice.
“First one is foreplay, baby,” I assured him. “I know you must be . . .” I wasn’t sure what word would I would have used,wantingorpent upmaybe, or something like it, but I didn’t get to choose because he was kissing me so hard thatwords stopped making sense.
“Desperate,” he whispered against my neck as I worked us both together, knowing instinctively we were both close.
