“I can’t, Jack . . ..” I said, the words coming out broken, and halfway to a sob. I bit my lip to swallow down any further words.
“I know, P,” he said low. “But I just had to talk to you. I can’t . . .” he broke off then, and took a deep breath. “I just needed to see you.”
I wondered what he saw. I knew I probably looked like shit. Long weeks had turned into months of dealing with all this and had me not sleeping, not eating, and drinking way more than was in any way healthy. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually looked at myself in the mirror. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t ski.
“I’m almost there, sweetheart,” I said softly, not caring this time that my voice broke, slipping back into the real me in a way I had not done in over a month. I knew he had no clue what I was saying, but I needed to reassure him - us - that there was a light at the end of this tunnel.
“I’m not going anywhere, Perrin,” Jack said, then he was gone, his speed carrying him away before my heart could stop hammering in my chest.
Jack
I couldn’t have stopped myself from following Perrin on the mountain. I knew that Holden didn’t ski, at least, according to Bishop he didn’t, so I wasn’t exactly concerned about that. But, maybe it was worse, not to touch Perrin and have him standing there so close. I wasn’t sure.
Baylor met me at the end of the run, waiting where we always met up.
“What’s going on, Jack?” He had asked immediately when he saw me.
“Nothing,” I said, slamming my skis harder than I should. Baylor just stared at me.
“Jack,” he began, but I cut him off with a hand. I didn’t really trust my voice right then. Of course my family had tried to love me through it, but I couldn’t tell them anything. So they didn’t know what “it” was, only that I wasn’t with Perrin anymore and that I wasn’t talking about it.
They were so worried about me that after half a dozen attempted conversations I finally told everyone at Mann Family dinner that they either had to back off or I was staying home. They backed off at that threat, but the looks hadn’t.
“I’m going to kick his ass,” Matt had threatened one night, and I had simply got up to walk away. We were all meeting at the Inn kitchen for dinner, as usual, not that I had much appetite these days. When Quinn stopped me from leaving, I simply said that it was me, not Perrin, and to please leave it alone. That one appeared to work so far.
But I tried to be with my family. I didn’t interact with them like I usually did, but sometimes it helped to be there even if I was quiet, or if I caught a few looks. I was the first of my brothers to fall into love with someone as an adult, as far as I knew. But, I was pretty sure none of them wanted the heartbreak that could come with it after they saw me.
The looks Baylor gave me only solidified what I thought I knew about a man he used to be with back in college. There was no missing it - Baylor had been in love, had his heart broken, and knew in his own way what I was going through. More and more, I found myself just sitting with my next-oldest brother in silence.
Another two long weeks passed after seeing Perrin on the mountain, when I came into the conference room early. I was trying to stay away, but being around Bishop was as close as I could get to being around Perrin. Bishop wasn’t there, but another agent, Levi, told me with an eye roll there were no updates.
While I had grown to respect and like Bishop, despite my initial reaction, I couldn’t stand Levi and I tried to avoid him so that I didn’t disrupt the operation with my dislike of the man. I was still on edge from the mountain encounter with Perrin, so I hastily made an exit when I saw Bishop wasn’t there.
I opened the door to leave the room and without noticing, ran straight into a solid wall of muscle. Not just that, but a solid wall that smelled like Perrin. I pushed off of him immediately, understanding it was Bishop after the initial shock of Perrin’s scent wore off. I have no idea the look on my face as I took in one of Perrin’s shirts stretched across the man’s broad chest.
Horror, maybe, got close.
Bishop instantly had his hands on my arms, and I pushed him away, pushed that herbal scent that was slicing through me away. It was too damned much. I hadn’t even smelled Perrin on the mountain.
“Jack? Jack?” Bishop was shaking me slightly as I stared at his chest. “Are you okay, Jack?”
Bishwas an interesting mix of intensity, but also compassion. He had placed a large hand on my shoulder in comfort so many times in the past weeks I couldn’t count; he had become a close friend. He was the only one who came close to understand what I was going through. Now that I was on the team, the protective side of Bishop Frost kept wanting to include me too.
I pushed away from the wrongness of smelling Perrin on him, backing all the way to the outside wall of the conference room. Bishop moved to come closer, but I shook my head and put my hands up.
“No,” it came out more of a whisper, but it was still desperate. I couldn’t take that smell again. It left me raw enough the first time. In some ways, smelling the man I loved more than anything in the world was worse thanseeing him and not touching him on the mountain. It was too personal, too intense.
Bishop’s eyes were a cloud of confusion, but he stopped, and I gestured at him. “His shirt.”
Bishop looked down with surprise. “Oh, yeah, I spilled coffee on mine, and he had an extra one at the hospital,” he explained, gesturing to his button down and jacket on thefloor where he had tossed them when he grabbed me, but meeting my eyes still with confusion.
“Jack, I - we - it’s not . . .” He started to stumble over his words.
Did Bishop think I thought there was something going on with Perrin? The thought had never occurred to me, honestly. Perrin was mine and I was his, despite the current circumstances.
“No, not that,” I gestured, shaking my head, trying to recover. “It, uh, it smells - like him.” I said, my hands shaking. Maybe that sounded ridiculous to someone like Bishop, but I didn’t care. “I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”
Agent Bishop’s eyes widened then, and he simply said “Oh,” with a world of recognition coming down in them. Diego came by, a runner for Matt with lunch for Bishop’s team, so Bishop grabbed his clothes from the floor and moved by me, making sure to stay far enough I couldn’t catch that slight hint of Perrin.
