“So, what happened?” I asked, curious now. “I mean, that’s a big deal, clearly whatever happened had nothing to do with you or they would at least tried to get something out of your malpractice insurance.”
Again, Perrin was quiet for a long time.
“He told me it was my fault,” Perrin said. His words were heavy. “He pressured me to settle the case before the expert even came back with an opinion on anesthesia having anything to do with the death. There was something sooffabout the whole thing, Jack. I still don’t understand what happened to the patient. And I couldn’t understand how I could read someone so wrong, you know?”
“Read him wrong how? You said you had reservations about him.”
“That’s just it. I ignored the feeling in my gut. But, I still genuinely thought he cared about me, that there was an us - that we were a team. But, when he told me to settle the case, I almost did it, Jack. I got really fucking close. Even knowing I did everything right, I looked over those charts for hours afterward, trying to find my mistake. How could I ignore what I knew so easily? Be so ready to do what someone told me to do? Hell, I had sacrificed a ton with Malcolm already just to have the life I wanted, and then I let some guy twist it all up.”
“Is that how you knew? That he was manipulating you?” I asked.
Perrin nodded. “I knew the signs from dealing with Malcolm, and with every bit of distance I got more clarity. He had some legal troubles, I’m really not sure what, but more than the malpractice case, something else that restricted his travel abroad - taxes maybe. Anyway, long story short, I took off.”
“That’s when you left the states?” I asked.
Perrin nodded. “It was such a cowardly move, just like Malcolm said it was. I just had to get out of there.” He looked at me. “I said he scared me sometimes and that’s true. He would do things, just for the power trip or the ego of it. I don’t know how to explain it. But, he blamed me completely for what happened in the OR that day. He . . .” Perrin paused again.
“He threatened my family, Jack. Never even met them, but threatened them all. Christopher, my mom, even Malcolm. One day he came to my place, said he wanted to talk about everything. Told me I should settle the case and then threatened my family ifI didn’t. And he had this look in his eye - I had seen it before, when he was doing something just because he could, pushing the limits and the rules. It terrified me – really hit home what I knew all along. I left the next day. I was afraid of him finding out where I was going, so I called in my favor with Malcolm.” Perrin laughed, then drained the scotch. “Malcolm had a private jet scheduled for Hong Kong, so I came to Dallas just long enough to switch planes, I didn’t care where it went. I never even left the tarmac at DFW.”
Somehow, our bodies had moved closer while he talked. Our hands were intertwined on his thigh. I nodded when he talked, rememberingparts of this storyfrom our talk weeks ago after his family had shown up at the Denver gala.
“So, you at least knew someone when you went over there?” I asked.
Perrin shook his head. “I figured it all out on the ground. Had someone box up my stuff, found a job. I know it sounds crazy, Jack, but if you. . ..”
“You did the right thing.”
“I still would have done it, even today.”
“Makes your time abroad sound lonely, though.”
Perrin shrugged. “It was brutal, and cleansing, all at the same time. I needed to get my shit together and work and loneliness are pretty good for that.”
Perrin
“What made you decide to come back?” Jack asked.
I looked over at him, surprised by the question. It wasn’t what I expected him to ask.
I felt a smile tug at the corners of my mouth.
Jack smiled back at me, “What?” he asked, but I shook my head. I got up and collected Jack’s glass, refilling both.
“You won’t believe it when I tell you, Jack,” I said as I poured another round. I was glad he asked the question, because it was doing a hell of a job lifting the heavy shit we had just talked about.
“Try me,” he said from the couch.
I rolled my eyes. “I wasinthis small town in France. Great hospital, great skiing. But, my apartment was basically a cot and a hot plate. It was always cold, and it was coming on five years that I had been over there, all places just like that. Anyway, I skied that day, probably too hard, and when I was walking to my apartment I just looked around and knew - despite being as exhausted as I could feel.”
“Knew?” Jack asked as I handed him his drink.
“It was like a timer went off, Jack. I should have been looking for the next job after that, the next place to go. I only stayed a month or two at the most anywhere. But, thatnight, I came to that dark little apartment and I started looking at jobs in the United States. Something told me it was time to come state-side.”
“Just like that?” he asked.
I nodded. “I had worked hard to find that sense of myself again, to be able to listen to myself and know it was really me talking. So, when everything clicked that night, I just decided it was time to believe it. Bear Valley was everything I could think I wanted as a place to come and try to stay somewhere a while. It was perfect. I had a video interview with Bannon within the week, and the rest was just logistics.”
Jack put my glass down and straddled my lap. “I’m sorry, P. For all of it. But, not for what brought you to the Bear Valley Inn. I’m a selfish bastard, but I can’t wish for anything that changes that part.”
