“Nope,” I said, catching behind his neck with my hand. “That’s not what you were going to say.”
Jack searched my face for a minute and flushed, which onlydrovemy curiosity higher as to what hewasthinking about.
“You are right,” he said. “It wasn’t.”
“Why do I get the impression the next thing out of your mouth is some version of ‘we need to talk’?” I asked, my stupid heart hammering in my chest.
That was an interesting reaction that Iwasnot going to study too hard.
“I know you were just joking with Q, but,” Jack licked his lips lightly, like he always didwhen hewas nervous or can’t find the words he really wants.
It’s really fucking sexy.
He looked at me with a serious expression. “And I know you just moved here and all that, but I mean, I. . .”Jack’s voice drifted off and his hand circledmy wrist where Iwasstill holding the back of his neck. He looked off and the blush deepened.
I tilted his chin up.
“Talk to me, Jack.”
“Look, I haven’t done anything like a relationship or, whatever, in a while, pretty much failed at it, you know? But, I um, well, would you consider us exclusive or . . ..”
I tried to hide my smile so he didn’t take it wrong.
“Jack, I hang out with you because I like you. I’m not interested in anyone else. Even though I might not have the best track record in relationships either, I never mess around with more than one person at a time - I’m just not wired to be that guy.”
He smiled and kissed me softly.
“Me either,” he says.
“Ok, then,” I said, andstoodup to pull him to his feet. He lookeda little uncomfortable, still. Knowing Jack, hewasafraid he didn’t do this right.
“Don’t make it weird, Jack,” I said kissing his hands, and he laughedat my inflection. But, seriously, wewere two relationship guys who haven’t done relationships. It’s not going to be smooth sailing.
His nose wrinkled. “It is weird though, right? I mean, is this what normal people do in . . ..”
“Maybe we should try to just do what feels right for us, sweetheart. It felt right to have the conversation, and we did.” I licked lightly at the corner of his mouth to make him laugh, and then Iatethose laughs with kisses. “Don’t. Make. It. Weird.”
Jack couldn’t tell you my favorite childhood memories or about my psycho ex-boyfriend, who skewed much morepsychothanboyfriend,because we hadn’t shared that kind of stuff with each other. Yet, at the same time it seemed that he knewme, sawme. He could tell you my favorite book, my late night thoughts, my stress, and my dreams. That seemeda little more real than knowing about an embarrassing high school memory or meaningful fight with my father. With Jack, Iwasjust me, and hewasjust him - who we bothwereright now in this moment in time. The rest seemedlike details.
Before we even madeit to the kitchen, the dark cloud that always seemedto come over me when Ithoughtabout getting serious with someone appeared. It’s been a while,but apparently five years in Europe didn’t cure it.I stuffed down the thoughts that wanted to surface about the last time I wanted a relationship with someone.
I sighed, but Jack just seems to think it’s part of my exhaustion.
This isdifferent, I told myself,no ghosts here.This is a fresh start. On everything.
Jack
Up to now, we skied every Sunday, and today had been no different from that routine. Sundays were sacred to me and my brothers. Gueststypicallychecked in or out on a Sunday,somost didn’t ski that day, keeping the slopes quiet and uncrowded. It would pick up with locals later in the afternoon, but it was worth the early hour for a morning of skiing. Now that Perrin joined us, he and I hit the slopes with my brothers and then we crashed our bodies together until it was time for Mann Sunday dinner.
Perrin was a quiet presence, half a step behind me all the way from the bottom of the run to the Inn. He looked careless as he strode with his skis over his shoulder, saying hello to a few localsthatpassed us — shaking hands and making small talk. But I knew better as we moved towards the Inn. That thread that always hung between us was still there, but it pulsed with a reckless energy I wasn’t sure about.
Perrin still kept a ski locker at the Bear Valley Inn for his gear, although he was movedintohis condo. More often than not we met up here before going out to the mountain, due to its location next to a main lift more than anything. I would have loved to know what he was thinking, but he was quiet and determined, moving quickly to dispose of his gear.
“You want to . . ..” I said, uncertain for the first time in over a month of us basically being together in all our free time.
I wasn’t sure what he wanted, or what he was thinking. Perrin didn’t hide his emotions or play games about them, so his vague intensity was really throwing me off.Before I could think too much of what might be going on in his mind, he had me in the elevator, stalking with that feline grace he always carried.
He pressed against me, growling. “Yougonnaplay it that way, Jack?” he said into my neck, his nose catching under my ear, in what was now a familiar gesture from him. “You want to act like we both don’t know what’s going to happen when we close your door?” he whispered.
