I look at Joel. He’s glaring at Ned. Glaring like he glared at that kid back in high school. Oh no. I stand abruptly. “I’ll be back in a minute.” Joel’s gaze shifts to mine, and I jerk my head towards the house before heading for the living room. It’s less than a minute before he joins me.
“What are you doing with this arsehole?” he asks before I have a chance to say anything.
“Dating him, obviously.” I put my hands on my hips and lift an eyebrow at him. “What’s the problem?”
“You’re miserable, T. Do you think I can’t tell?”
Laughing out loud, I shake my head. “Actually, I’ve never been happier.”
“You don’t look happy.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “You look like you’ve been shot with a tranquiliser. I’ve never seen you so, so… normal.” He shudders in displeasure at the word. “Talking about boring life shit and bitching about clients. This isn’t you.”
“What if it is me?” I suggest. “What if I have shitty meetings with clients, and bad moods, and off days like everyone else?” My body trembles as I slap my hands over my chest.
He scoffs. “You’ve never let that stuff get to you.”
“No, I just don’t usually talk about how that stuff gets to me,” I correct him. “Do you know how exhausting it is to be this big, over-the-top, fabulous person all the time?”
Joel stares at me like I’ve lost my mind. “What are you even talking about? You’ve always been like that.”
“Not always. There was a time I was just me. Not fabulous, not anybody really. Then…” I stop, hanging my head with a sigh. I don’t want to get into this, but he can’t know what I don’t let him see, and it’s time I stopped faking. “The day came when I needed to be more and bigger and louder, to protect myself. So, that’s what I became.”
It takes a moment for the correct memory to click into place in Joel’s head. I know he remembers; he’s heard me tell the story. A sudden intake of breath is followed by the widening of his eyes. “Oh, crap. I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t be sorry,” I say, cutting him off. “You saved me when I needed saving. That’s all you get to keep. The rest belongs to me.”
“If I made you feel like you have to act a certain way…”
“You didn’t,” I snap, throwing my arms in the air. “I did that to myself, but it’s time I stopped being one hundred percent fabulous, one hundred percent of the time.”
He snorts a laugh. “You’re being kind of fabulous now.”
I lift an eyebrow. “I didn’t say I’m abandoning it entirely, but I am learning to be more open and show some of the not-so-fabulous sides of myself.” I shrug. “Ned likes all my sides. I don’t feel like I have to put on a show for him or entertain him. He makes me feel… calm.”
“He’s like a human tranquiliser then,” Joel drawls. “Bringing out your zombie side.”
“Think of it as my tickled pink side,” I suggest. “That has a more delightful ring to it.”
He chuckles softly as we turn to head back out to the table. “To be clear, you’re not gonna start swilling beer and wearing fast fashion, are you?”
I mock gasp, lifting a hand to my throat. “And ditch my cocktails and designer threads? Never.”
Joel laughs out loud. “I suppose I can deal then.”
When we sit back down at the table, Ned gives me a questioning look. I smile, squeezing the hand he has resting on his knee. His shoulders unclench and he exhales.
The rest of lunch passes as smoothly as the cheesecake Dad’s made for dessert, and before I know it, we’re saying goodbye.
Ned is still being fussed over by Mum when Dad approaches to shake my hand. “It was good catching up with you today, son,” he says, his voice rough with fatherly affection. “I haven’t seen you this relaxed in a donkey’s age. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up. Yeah?”
A surprised grin breaks out over my face as I nod. “Yeah, I will.”
TWENTY-THREE
______
NED
That right there was a bloody good show. The pub was packed, the audience pumped, and the music loud enough to blow the roof off the joint. An hour later, my blood is still zinging, and the grin won’t budge from my face. Tomorrow night I’ll be back behind the bar of this same pub. Pulling beers, faking smiles, and doing everything I can to keep my mind off the stage. But right now, in this moment, I get to exist in the chaotic thrill of the afterburn.
