Holy crap. Lifting my eyebrows, I gape at him. I wasn’t expecting that.
My feet take me to Ned’s side. Folding one leg under me, I sit facing him and reach for his hand. He doesn’t pull away. Instead, he threads his fingers through mine and holds on.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
He keeps his gaze on our joined hands. His throat moves as he swallows. “That kind of life is… all-consuming.” He bites the words out in distinct syllables, as if each one has a story of its own to tell. “At least, it was for me. I put everything I had into it. The next song, the next gig, the next grand scheme to get ahead. Always hoping one day the work would pay off. When it didn’t, I offered more of myself, and more, and more, until…” A faint shudder runs through him. He shakes his head then and turns to look at me. “Maybe the rest of the guys could handle the craving that comes with being halfway there. For me, it’s too dangerous to try.”
* * *
The drive back to Brisbane isn’t as lively as yesterday’s drive down to Byron Bay. It’s not uncomfortable exactly, but it is subdued.
I’m tired. I haven’t showered in over thirty-six hours. My cheeks are rough with stubble, and the low battery on my phone is making me antsy. I have no doubt Ned is feeling all the same discomforts, only he gets to add ‘emotionally drained’ to his list of woes. At least my heart didn’t take a beating. Well, maybe it did a little at the end there.
Conversation is scarce and we stick to inane topics. The coming work week. Some of the bands we saw perform. Minor facts about the other members of Fifth Circle. I know we’ve hit rock bottom when I mention how chilly the nights are getting, now we’re closing in on the end of autumn. Perhaps, without the excitement and perils of the festival to occupy us, we’re simply left with little to say.
The sun has set by the time we park in front of my apartment building. I immediately open the car door and hop out. There’s no need to make this more awkward than it has to be. Following my lead, Ned does the same. We meet at the back of the car, where he opens the boot so I can retrieve my bag.
We move up onto the footpath. I hesitate before lowering my bag to the ground so we can say a proper goodbye. I’d be lying if I said I’m not hoping for a hug. Maybe a kiss. Some tongue would be nice, but after our argument I don’t want to push my luck.
Ned stands facing me. He’s close enough, I can smell traces of the cologne he put on this morning, and the musk of man and sweat and music. Yeah, we could both do with a shower. The scent draws me in all the same.
“Thank you for taking me to the festival,” I say with false cheer, not wanting him to know how much I hate seeing our weekend together come to an end. It’s not like we’ll never see each other again. I still have every intention of dragging him to Rodney and Leif’s engagement party. But we’ll never be as close as we were at the festival. “I had a good time.”
His lips twitch at the corners. “Thank you for coming with me. I didn’t expect to have as much fun as we did.”
“Why?” I ask with a teasing frown. “Did you think I would be a bore?”
“No, but I thought I would be.” Shaking his head, he lets out a breathy laugh. “Being there with you was… liberating. You made me feel safe, like I could relax and enjoy myself. It means a lot.”
My entire body breaks out in a smile, and I have to wrap my arms around myself to stop from pouncing on him. “That’s nice. No one’s ever trusted me to take care of them before. Most people think I can’t handle it, I guess. Like I’m too flaky or something.” Most of the time they’re probably right.
“You handled me just fine.” His voice is rough with satisfaction. “I like the way you handle me.”
“I’m glad.” My heart threatens to pitter-patter all the way out of my chest.
We stare at each other. The silence lengthens and, yep, it’s awkward. And kind of sexy. But more awkward than sexy.
I clear my throat, intent on getting this over with so I can go inside and drown in a hot shower. “We should probably see each other a couple of times between now and the engagement party, to keep up appearances. We can officially break up a few days later. Easy, peasy.”
Ned looks confused. “Wait, we’re supposed to be boyfriends up until the party. Not just for appearances, but for real. That’s the deal we made.”
I give him my bestare you fucking kidding meexpression. Because, seriously, is he kidding me with this shit?
Ned mutters a few curses of his own, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he shuffles on his feet. “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier. It was wrong of me to lash out the way I did.” His index finger finds my chin, tilts my head up until I’m looking at him. “You came through for me in every way possible. Now, I want to do the same for you.”
“You were right all along, though,” I admit with a roll of my eyes. “I thought it would be fun to have a boyfriend for a while, but lines get blurred and feelings get hurt. It was stupid. We can’t fake our way into a real relationship.” He tried to tell me, but I didn’t want to listen.
“But we can still do all the things boyfriends do. Like dating and spending time together.” He steps forwards to put his hands on my waist. “Waking up in each other’s arms. Protecting each other from clear and present dangers.”
That last one gets a laugh out of me.
“Toni,” he says in a low voice, “I promised to adore you for a full month, and I plan to keep my promise.”
“You don’t actually adore me, though,” I point out, even as my hands find their way to his chest. Because I’m greedy and his muscles are irresistible.
“I’m learning fast.” His lips brush against mine, softly at first, then with more pressure. “I know you’re not done with me, either. Not by a long shot.” Taking my hand, he lifts it to the back of his neck, holding it there. “Let’s make this real, while we have the chance.”
I stand there in the circle of his arms, dumbfounded with delight. Is he actually trying to convince me to keep seeing him, to keep sleeping with him? As if there’s some version of reality where I would say no?
