Ned reaches for my hand, squeezing it. It’s the first time we’ve touched all morning, and the gesture makes my stomach flip. “Was it bad for you?” he asks, his voice filled with concern.
“Not as bad as it would have been twenty years earlier, or even ten years earlier. Times are changing. But there are still plenty of homophobic arseholes out there ready to pick on the gay kid. Slurs were tossed my way in the halls, accidental bumps knocked me to the ground. The more it escalated, the smaller I got.” Even saying the words makes my shoulders hunch and I have to consciously roll them back into position. “My withdrawal only made the bullies bolder. Then it happened,” I add plenty of drama for this part, “and everything changed.”
Ned grins, squeezing my hand tighter before removing it as we veer around a curve. “I’m hooked,” he admits. “Tell me everything.”
“The sky was overcast that day in Grade 7.” I use my best storyteller voice as I move on to the main story. “Everyone was leaving the hall after a full-school assembly, when one of the kids who’d been having a go at me knocked me down. I went sprawling, grazed palms, a cut on my chin, the whole bit. Then the kid—who shall not be named because he doesn’t deserve to be remembered—was grabbed by the scruff of the neck and hauled off his feet by my big brother, Joel.” My grin is so wide my cheeks ache, but there’s no getting rid of it. “Joel was in Grade 11 at the time and the total opposite of me. He played on the rugby team and ran in the cross country. He’s still an athlete at heart.
“So, he’s holding this kid by the back of his shirt and then his voice booms out across the school yard.Listen up, wankers. My name is Joel, and this here is my younger brother, T.He’s always called me, T,” I add as an aside. “He tells me to get up so people can see me. I’d about crapped my pants by this point because I didn’t want anyone to know who I was. Not to mention, standing beside big, broad Joel only made me look smaller. Then he says to the crowd,In case you didn’t know, T here is gay. He’s so gay he’s got glitter coming out of his goddamned ears, and he’s fucking fabulous!”
Ned’s eyes are bulging out of his head, and I laugh out loud.
“He looks down at this kid who pushed me, and he smiles a wide, toothy grin. It was like every one of his teeth were pointy canines, the kid recoiled so hard. Then Joel says to him,Don’t you think my brother is fabulous?”
Grinning, Ned nods. “I have a feeling the kid agreed.”
“He absolutely did,” I cry, lifting my arms wide. “Then Joel’s all,If anyone messes with my brother for being his fabulous gay self, they’re asking for further instruction in this matter.He looks back down at the kid, who’s shaking like he’s gonna pee himself and he asks,Do you need further instruction in this matter?The kid says,No sir.So, Joel puts him down and smooths out his shirt before turning back to his audience—I’ll swear I saw a teacher or two hiding around corners pretending to be clueless—and then he thanks everyone for their time and tells them to be on their way.”
“And then what?” Ned cries. “They all left?”
“It did take a minute for the shock to wear off,” I admit. “God knows, my knees were shaking so hard I wasn’t sure I could walk. Then Joel leans down to me and starts talking in the deep, rumbling voice nature gave him and not me. And as he talked, I understood what I needed to do.”
Ned glances at me, totally on the edge of his seat. “What did he say?”
Taking a deep breath, I echo my brother’s words anew, as if I can still hear him. “He said,It’s your turn, T. Stand tall, and be yourself so hard they can’t help but be in awe of you.”
I allow a reverent pause to pass before I continue. “I remember staring at him thinking, is that a thing? Being yourself so hard people like you for it? I had to try it, right? So, I decided, then and there. If I was destined to stand out, I would stand all the way out.”
“Toni with an Iwas born,” Ned says in a quiet voice.
“Exactly.” I smile at him. “When I turned around, I stared every single person in front of me directly in the eyes and I said,All right, bitches, let’s get to class before we get our butts whipped for being late—again.” I laugh at the memory. “I’d never once been late to class, but none of them knew that. I looked back at Joel, but he was already striding off into the distance. I’ll swear I saw the flutter of his cape as it trailed behind him.”
“Did it work?” Ned asks eagerly. “Did the bullying stop?”
“The worst of it did—partly because they were all terrified of my brother—but I also got better at deflecting their jabs, because I refused to hide anymore. I cultivated my appearance, my behaviour, my attitude. As I became more obvious, people started to gather around me, including Rodney,” I say with a smile. “Suddenly, I had friends to spare. They were the moths, and I was the bright and shiny gay flame.”
Ned frowns at the road ahead of him. “It’s all a show, then?”
“Not at all,” I insist, perhaps a little sharply. “This may be the most fabulous version of me, but it’s still me. The best parts, at least.” I give him a haughty look. “The occasional white lie aside, I don’t do fake anymore.”
He turns his head, a teasing glint in his eyes. “The disparity between your hair and your eyebrows says otherwise.”
“That’s hair, Ned,” I cry, clasping my hands over my chest. “I’m talking about issues of the heart.”
He laughs. “Of course, you are. I do apologise.” His gaze is back on the road when he reaches for my hand once more. “What happened after Joel graduated?”
“My other brother, Owen, was still with me. By the time I had to go it alone, I was in Grade 11 myself, with years’ worth of social capital on my side. Wielding it had become an art form. The phobes could have beaten me if they chose to, but I would have had them ostracised before the bruises faded.” I shrug. “I was fun, they weren’t. There’s power in that, too.”
“What about the times when you weren’t fun?” Ned asks. “Nobody can be upbeat all the time.”
I shake my head at him. No one has ever dug this far beneath the surface of my origin story before. Yes, there were downsides, of course there were, but what’s the point of talking about them? The tale is supposed to be uplifting, not riddled with drawbacks. “I smiled anyway.”
Ned makes a sound of acknowledgment. “Well, you don’t have to be fun for me this weekend. I don’t need a false happy, and I don’t need to be entertained.” His mouth presses into a grim line as he meets my gaze. “I just need you to be there.”
Nodding, I thread my fingers through his. “I can do that.”
NINE
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