“Until tomorrow,” I tell him. “I’m booked on the same flight home as you.”
His eyebrows lift in surprise. “What about Claire?”
My gaze drops and I huff out a humourless laugh. “What about Claire?” I murmur, lowering myself onto the small couch facing the window. “That’s a question I’ve been asking myself for the past eight years. Do you know what I’ve realised?” Sam shakes his head. “Nothing I’ve done ever had anything to do with Claire at all. It was always about me.”
Sam frowns as he comes forwards to sit on the couch beside me. “What do you mean?”
My thoughts are a jumbled mess and I’m not sure how to explain. But I do know where to start. “It probably took about three seconds for Claire and I to fall down those stairs. They were the worst three seconds of my life and I’ve been trapped inside them ever since. Always falling.” I trapped my sister there too, in a way. Forcing her to relive her final horror over and over.
“I’ve paid my penance as if it meant something, as if my suffering somehow honoured her memory. It didn’t.” My chest aches to think of how pointless it’s all been. “I wanted to hurt for my crime. The law didn’t punish me. My parents didn’t punish me. So I took it upon myself to see the deed done and I did it admirably. In fact, I got so good at it, I hurt everyone who dared to care about me.” I look over at him, see the anguish on his face and know I’m the one who put it there. “I hurt you, Sam, and I’m so sorry.”
“Tris, stop.” He turns away from me, leaning his elbows on his knees as he runs his hands over his face. “Look, coming down here alone turned out to be good for me, weirdly enough. I did something I never thought I could and that’s a big deal. So, I don’t want you to beat yourself up about it. But…” The word lingers in the room. His body trembles and he’s still not looking at me.
“But…” I move closer to his side, stroking one hand down his back while the other settles on his thigh.
“The promise you made, to be here for me, was important. You broke it. That’s also a big deal.” Turning his head, he glances at me from the corner of his eye. “You shutting me out, not allowing me to be there for you when you need it, that’s a big deal.”
I sigh, my eyes sliding closed. “You’re right. I really fucked up.”
He snorts a laugh. “Little bit.” Dropping back against the cushions, he takes my hand in his. “I love you, Tris,” he says, staring at our entwined fingers. “I want to go on loving you. But if you can’t meet me halfway, I’m not sure we’ll make it.”
Fear clutches at my chest. I forget how to breathe. No, I can’t lose him. Not now.
“We bloody well are going to make it.” Pulling myself up, I throw a leg over his lap until I’m straddling him. His gaze flickers down my bare chest with interest and suddenly I’m glad I never made it into more than my boxers. In my fight to keep Sam, I’ll happily use every weapon in my arsenal. “We’re going to grow old and grey together.”
He gives a soft chuckle, his hands coming to rest on my waist. “How can you tell?”
“Because I love you too, and I’m not letting you go.”
His blue gaze finally locks with mine. “I suppose sitting on me helps with that.”
Cupping his face, I press a firm kiss to his lips. “You are the most important person in my life,” I say quietly, still close enough to breathe his air. “I know I haven’t always made you feel that way. I let you down and I can’t take that back. But I can choose to do better. I can choose what happens next.”
He licks his lips, tilting his head in question. “What happens next?”
Sitting up straighter, I take a deep breath and lay it all out in the open. “Next, I’m going to find a way to forgive myself for my sister’s death. I’m going to let Claire go, because fuck knows she deserves to be free,” I add, the sadness tinged with a little actual humour. “Then I’m going to stop punishing myself for the past and concentrate on building a real, meaningful life in the future.
“That way,” I add, quietly, “if I do get to see Claire again, when my time here is done, I’ll be able to tell her my life was about more than three seconds. It was about the thirteen years I spent as her big brother. And it was about the many, happy years I spent loving you.” My throat is thick with emotion and I struggle to get the final words out. “If you still want me.”
Sam’s arms are a vice around me by the time I finish the last sentence, his face pressed into my chest. “Of course I want you,” he cries, all wide smile and watery laugh. “You think I make blood ink pacts with just anyone?”
A laugh bursts out of me as I hold him close. “I’d be jealous if you did.” My lips meet his in a gentle kiss. He moans softly, not holding anything back this time, and I know we’ll be okay.
“Come on,” I say, getting back onto my feet. “We’ve got a whole day and night in Sydney. I want to show you all my favourite parts of the city.”
“I’d like that,” he agrees. “I was planning to go out, but I wasn’t looking forward to doing it alone.”
After pulling on a t-shirt, I wrap a hand around the back of his neck. “I think we’ve both been alone long enough. Now, all I want is to be with you.”
“I want that, too.” Reaching for the hem of my shirt, he pulls it straight back up over my head. “But before we head out, I’m definitely going to need a shower. To get the rest of that pesky make-up off.” With a grin, he slides his fingers into the waistband of my boxers. “You want to join me?”
“Hell, yes,” I say with a low chuckle as he tugs me in the direction of the bathroom. “You’re my siren, Sam. I would follow you anywhere.”
THIRTY-ONE
______
SAM
