“All right, out with it.” Turning to face me on the couch, Sean tucked his legs up under him. “Why are you such a misery guts tonight, and where the hell is Lawrence?”
I allowed myself a moment of supreme pouting before I launched into the story of our argument, leaving out the part about why Law objected to Connor’s return to work. Sean didn’t know about Connor’s eating disorder and it wasn’t a secret I would share, even with my best friend.
“Then, he just walked out,” I continued when I got to the end. “That happened two days ago. We haven’t seen or heard from him since.”
“Why is Lawrence so against Connor taking this job in the first place?” Sean asked. “Has he turned into some sort of control freak or something? Because that would be red flag territory.”
“No, it’s nothing so simple.” I dropped my gaze to my lap, where I still clutched my margarita glass in my hands. The idea of drinking it now made my stomach turn and I put it on the coffee table. “He’s just… he’s scared.” I understood his fear. I was scared, too. I’d kept my fear hidden when Connor made his announcement, and I’d continued to hide it right up until I dropped him off at the airport. I hadn’t wanted to do anything to damage his confidence. Taking charge of his life, even in the face of Law’s disapproval, was a big step for Connor. I had to believe it would lead to good things for him, even if there were some risks involved.
“I can’t go into the problems Connor dealt with before he came home,” I told Sean, “but they were serious. Law is scared that if Connor goes back to this kind of work, with all the travel and the time alone, it will stir everything back up and destroy the progress he’s made since he’s been home. But when push comes to shove, this was Connor’s decision to make. Not mine and not Law’s.”
“You’re worried about Connor, too?” he asked.
“Of course, I am.” Dropping my head back on the couch, I threw my hands in the air. “I’m terrified. But I don’t think openly doubting Connor’s ability to take care of himself is the best way to deal with it.”
“What you’re saying is, you’re both worried about Connor, you only disagreed about how to handle the situation.”
“That about sums it up, yeah.” I looked up to see Sean watching me with a frown. “What?”
He shrugged. “I still don’t get why you and Lawrence aren’t together right now. Surely being there for each other while Connor’s gone is more important than any disagreement you had over him going.”
“I don’t know why he’s not here,” I cried, gesturing to the door. “It’s not like we threw him out or changed the locks.” Crossing my arms, I stared at the television screen. The credits were rolling. Neither of us had even noticed the movie finish. “He’s probably still pissed at me for not agreeing with him when he tried to change Connor’s mind.”
Sean smirked. “Maybe, but you’re still pissed athimfor not agreeing withyouso…” He let the sentence trail off, as if his point was so obvious, he didn’t even need to finish making it.
“That’s different,” I muttered. “I respected Connor’s decision.”
“And Lawrence was being an overprotective jerk. Blah, blah, blah,” Sean said, rolling his eyes as he waved his hands about. “All I know is, if Dante started acting like an idiot because he was going crazy over something he couldn’t control, I’d be all over him. I wouldn’t let him sit all alone with his fear. Not if I could do something to help.”
Was that what I was doing? Making Law sit alone with his fear? He hadn’t reached out to me since leaving the other day, but I hadn’t reached out to him either. All my attention had been focused on Connor and making sure he was okay. I suppose I hadn’t really believed Law needed me as badly as Connor did. He was always so confident, so self-assured in everything he did. Except the other day, when he’d seemed on the verge of panic at the thought of Connor leaving, when his inability to stop Connor from putting himself at risk had caused him to bolt. I had no idea if he was still upset with me, or how he’d dealt with his concern over Connor—because I hadn’t taken the time to ask.
“All I’m saying,” Sean added, when the silence lengthened between us, “is if Lawrence is struggling with this, and apparently he is, maybe he could do with some of that support you’ve been so eager to give Connor. So he’s reminded you love him, too. Even when he is a jerk.”
Regret burst through my chest as I closed my eyes, dropping my head into my hands. I couldn’t remind Law I loved him, because I had yet to tell him in the first place. I’d tried to say the words so many times, but something kept holding me back. For all the times I’d pulled him close with my heart and my body, my head had continued to push him away.
The breakup we’d gone through when we were young had hurt me so badly, and the love I’d felt for him then didn’t begin to compare to what we shared now. If I lost him again, if it all fell apart, the pain would be devastating. Maybe I still wasn’t ready to take the risk of being hurt by him again.
Taking that risk with Connor had been easy. Our relationship felt so safe and secure, probably because we held so tight to each other. We always had. If I felt less secure with Law, perhaps it was because I’d come to rely on him to do all the work of holding on, without putting myself at risk by reaching back. But a one-way relationship would never work. Eventually, it would cause the very destruction I was so scared of.
If Law and I were truly going to be there for each other, I had to let go of the fear, once and for all. I had to be willing to love him as hard and as openly as he loved me.
I stood up, determined to go straight to Law’s house and make things right. Then, my head began to spin, and I had to sit back down. “Damn it,” I groaned. “I can’t go over there tonight. I’ve had too many margaritas.”
“I haven’t,” Sean said with a shrug. “Pack a bag. I’ll drive you over.” He checked his watch before adding with a leer, “After that, I’m going home to my boyfriend. Margaritas make me horny.”
Thirty minutes later, I knocked on Law’s front door, my overnight bag in one hand. The door opened and I blinked in surprise when I saw Frank on the other side. He scowled as his gaze met mine. “What the hell did you do?”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“Lawrence is a mess,” he said, as if giving me information I should already have. He wasn’t wrong. “You broke my best friend.”
TWENTY-NINE
______
LAWRENCE
Everything had fallen apart and I didn’t know how to fix it. I’d overreacted to Connor going to Melbourne. I’d been a total dick to him and Gabi. The three of us had been practically living together for months now, and I’d never been concerned about the way Connor treated himself. Finding out about his eating disorder had thrown me for a loop, there was no doubt about it. But even afterward, when I’d watched him more closely, I hadn’t found any reason to doubt his recovery.
