Jeremy watched him stare into nothing for a long moment. “What saved you?” he finally asked.
“My uncle found me passed out in my bedroom. When he couldn’t wake me up he took me to the hospital.” He looked up, meeting Jeremy’s eyes for the first time since he’d joined him on the floor. “It seemed life wasn’t as done with me as I was with it.”
“That’s when your uncle took you to see a counsellor?”
Harrison nodded. “He’d tried before, of course. But this was the first time I agreed to go. Laurel helped me turned things around. Except she wasn’t my counsellor, she was my psychiatrist. And my diagnosis wasn’t ‘troubled teen’ it was ‘major depressive disorder.’” He used air quotes to highlight his various labels. “Inheriting my mother’s mental illness turned out to be the icing on my genetic cake. It’s all I have left of her.”
Jeremy didn’t know what to say. “I don’t… I don’t have words for this.”
“Yeah, me neither.” Harrison rubbed at his face as he gave a weary sigh. “In the spirit of full disclosure, you should know I still suffer from depression sometimes,” he added, almost as an afterthought. “I don’t take medication for it. Nothing can make me swallow those pills again. That’s why I have so many rules. They help me stay healthy most of the time but, the truth is there’s no cure for me, only good management.” He snorted in amusement, as if the phrase was part of some private joke. Maybe it was. If you suffered from a mental illness most of your life you were bound to find a good joke in there sooner or later.
“The end,” Harrison said as he got up, his movements slow and heavy. “Or at least, that’s the worst parts version. Everything else is details.” He offered a hand to Jeremy.
“I think we can skip the details for now,” Jeremy said as he allowed Harrison to pull him to his feet.
They stared at each other for a moment before Harrison picked his bag up and slung it over his shoulder. “I should go.” He glanced at Jeremy before dropping his gaze to the floor. “I want you to know being with you has been the best time of my life. I’ll never forget it.”
Jeremy didn’t know what to say, or do, or even think. Everything Harrison had told him made him want to stand aside and let Harrison walk out the door, but everything they’d done together, who they’d been together, made him want to hold on tight and never let go. Somewhere in the middle, he lost his voice.
The silence lengthened and then Harrison moved around him, heading for the door again.
“Wait,” Jeremy said, turning to put a hand on his arm. Harrison paused, and Jeremy struggled with what to say. “Are you going to be all right?”
A single eyebrow lifted. “Why? Do you think I’m going to go home and top myself because we’re breaking up?”
We’re breaking up?Jeremy opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out.
Harrison drew himself to his full height. This time, when he spoke, his voice was firm with determination. “Let’s get one thing straight. I am not Aaron and I don’t need you to save me. I’ve been saving myself for a long time now and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. No one else is going to get the credit for that. I’ve earned it.”
Nodding, Jeremy watched Harrison open the door before he stopped him again. “One more question.” He waited for Harrison to look at him before he asked, “Do you love me?”
Harrison’s eyes widened as he gave him an incredulous look. “Do I love you?” One hand reached out to wrap around the back of Jeremy’s neck and drag him forward until their faces were mere centimetres apart. “Jeremy,” he said as his lips curved, “you taught me how to smile again. You made happiness possible, just by being in the same room. Everything about you is incredible to me.” He pressed a kiss against Jeremy’s lips, lingering there for a moment before he whispered, “I’m completely, hopelessly, insanely in love with you.”
Jeremy held onto his forearm with both hands. “Then, why are you walking away? Why aren’t you fighting for us?”
“Because some battles do more harm than good.” Harrison pulled back, his arm dropping to his side. “You and I are the worst kind of match imaginable and I can’t bear the idea of hurting you, or inspiring you to hurt yourself. We both know that’s what will happen if I stay.” He took a step back toward the open doorway. “You keep taking care of yourself, Jeremy,” he said as he walked away. “And I’ll take care of me.”
